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Competition No 3825

Set by Margaret Rogers, 29 March

You were asked for a simple outline of the British constitution for children.

Report by Ms de Meaner

A lot of excellent entries this week. £20 to the winners, hon menshes to Bill Greenwell ("If someone dies in office, there is a bring-and-buy election"), Katie Mallett ("Every citizen has a right to free speeches, which may be obtained on the internet") and Basil Ransome-Davies ("In Britain we have the Separation of Power. Some people have lots of power, others have none at all"). The overall winner is Josh Ekroy, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.

In Britain, anyone can vote, even lunatic asylum-seekers who have come to Britain because they are mad. But they have to prove they are mad before entry by showing they need asylum, but if they can show they need asylum that shows they are not mad, so they can't come in. This is called One Hellerva Catch.

British Muslims can vote, except sheer Muslims, who cannot be British because they are completely Muslim. They are mostly in Basra anyway, which is now part of the British empire, so they must vote by proxy because they are Brits Abroad. They are also called sunny Muslims for obvious reasons, as the weather is very hot.

There is New Labour and Old Labour, which is bitter about being Old. Many do not like New Labour either because in Britain no one likes anything New. This is called Conservatism. But New Labour cannot call itself Conservative (as it would like to do) since the name is already taken.

The Tories (who must not spell this C-O-N-S-E-R-V-A-T-I-V-E, or they won't be elected) have a leadership crisis every year, but now they are cured as they have the son of an asylum-seeker who is trying to prove he is not mad, but is nevertheless allowed to stay.

Josh Ekroy

. . . a small group of men holds all the power.

They all went to the same schools. Many of their fathers held the same position. They are called mandarins. They do not speak Chinese because, until political correctness was invented, foreign languages were for sissies. The only limit to the power of the mandarins is rioting by a disorderly mob, known as the Commons because they won't let you in unless you are very common.

Getting into the Commons is hard because you have to get more votes than anyone else, but not more than all the others. This is known as first past the post. The losers think that only one-fifth of a man who gets only one-fifth of the votes should go into the Commons. This is known as Preposterous Representation.

The constitution is full of conventions. One is that every PM must supply a decorative part to it: for example, Gannex macs, handbags, old maids full of warm beer, Cherie and Peter Mandelson. Another was a cabinet, but that has now vanished.

J Seery

Britain does not have a written constitution. This is because of the British empire, which means that we always do things empirically. Although we are not a republic, the British constitution broadens down from president to president, so that whoever is in the White House can have the last word. The Queen is sovereign in parliament, but she doesn't often go unless Black Rod is available to force an entrance. The real chief is the Prime Minister, a Pretty Straight Sort of Guy. (John Major was Drowning in Sleaze, and had to go.) In Britain, a man's home is his castle, as long as it is a castle. Unless you are Not a Pretty Straight Sort of Guy (an Evil Fanatic or an Appeaser of Terrorism, for example) you are safe from the law. Now our constitution is better than ever because, thanks to Modernising (a Good Thing), we are getting rid of silly old Latin survivals such as the Magna Carta and Habeas Corpus.

G M Davis

No 3828 Set by Gavin Ross

"When you hear the four-minute warning, put on a shroud and walk to the nearest cemetery. Do not run, as that might induce panic." We want parodies of advice for the War on Terrorism.

200 words by 29 April.

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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