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Competition No 3817

Set by John Crick, 2 February

As one in three of us suffers from CWS (celebrity worship syndrome), we asked for a doctor's case notes on a real or fictional character.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. Hon menshes to Ian Birchall (for Nicholas Witchell) and John O'Byrne (for Miss Bates from Emma). £20 to the winners, the best of whom - D A Prince - gets the Tesco vouchers.

T- B- is suffering from a highly resistant strain of CWS, infectious within his immediate circle and beyond. Unable to recognise "ordinary people", he can now only relate to "celebs" - eg, at social events, in Caribbean holiday homes, etc - and believes the whole world consists of pop musicians, balloon-fixated rail/air bosses, footballers, pornographic publishers, sporting "names", leading to delusions in which anyone lacking a perma-tan, botoxed features and Porsche-loads of spending money is invisible. This distorts his judgement, making his day job (in which "ordinary people" are the majority) increasingly unsustainable. May respond to homoeopathic treatment once his blocking mechanisms are overcome (by physical restraint, or even legislation). Low-dosage "celeb" exposure to, for example, the winner of the Hinckley Herald's Spot the Ball contest or the winner in an NS haiku competition will gradually restore mental equilibrium and a sense of reality. Ongoing counselling, underlining the values of old-fashioned labour - chopping wood, digging - will provide a reinforcing strategy, provided his case is not already in the terminal stage or undermined by his spouse.

D A Prince

This is the most extreme case of CWS that I have ever treated. The extent of the patient's pathology has developed far beyond mere obsession. It is a shame that the warning signs were not detected earlier - the ten complete sets of Carol Vorderman GCSE, A-level and Sats videos, or the worship of Orla Guerin as Pallas Athene and the conviction that she sprang fully armed from the head of Zeus. Now the subject's devotion to celebrities dominates his life. He imagines them in his house, in other people's houses, in the rainforests of Australia. He sees celebrities doing impressions of other celebrities or appearing on TV quiz shows. He brings them gifts and in turn he believes that they bring him prosperity. He is determined to proselytise the entire world to seek salvation through worship of celebrities. Aversion therapy has clearly failed. Prescribing Delia Smith banana cheesecake with a toffee sauce for breakfast, lunch and dinner simply fuelled his delusions. The only cure left is for him to make the ultimate sacrifice. I believe he needs to resign from his post as chairman of ITV.

David Silverman

A- C- presented at first as a normal, slightly retiring individual, although given to sudden outbreaks of expletives. A preliminary diagnosis of coprolalia was made, but closer observation revealed that the patient did not curse at random or in spasms but only in the context of certain specified people who appeared in the mass media and who held, or had held, a considerable degree of public esteem. The diagnosis was changed immediately to CWS; indeed, A- C- appeared to be suffering from multiple disorder in this respect. Mention of 60 prominent names from one issue of a Sunday broadsheet occasioned tirades noted in both spoken and written asides of abusive language in at least 30 cases. A programme of sedation was prescribed, including the writing of autobiographical notes, a trip to the bracing environment of the north-east (South Shields proved especially helpful), and a course that required the reading of a long, soporific and emollient report written by a particularly bland member of the judiciary. If symptoms recur, suggest A- C- (who is unemployed) apply for vacant posts in public service broadcasting.

Bill Greenwell

No 3820 Set by Margaret Rogers

An extract from The Case of the Missing Weapons of Mass Destruction by Conan Doyle or another famous detective-fiction writer.

Max 180 words by 4 March. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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