Competition No 3815

Set by John Crick, 19 January

We asked for a rejection letter delivered to a famous historical or fictional character.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Quite charming. I liked Bill Greenwell's Heathcliff, who wanted to be a bereavement counsellor ("your considerable experience of tragic loss, both of your adoptive parents, your adoptive brother and sister, your adoptive brother's wife, your own wife, your wife's parents, your brother-in-law, your son, not to mention some domestic animals . . . "), but the standard was so high. £20 to the winners. Top of the tree is J Seery, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Dear Mr Hood,

After careful consideration, the Rebrand New Labour Campaign finds itself unable to offer you a post. Considered as a slogan, we thought "Take from the rich and give to the poor" had considerable merit. However, we were disappointed to find that you felt your involvement with the campaign would be constructive only if we intended to act upon it. Perhaps, in the imprecisely defined parts of the East Midlands in which you have gained your experience, people are not so conversant with the concept of a slogan that does not match actual policy. In addition, we would have expected an archer of your standing to have a deeper appreciation of the need for flexibility.We were impressed by your enthusiasm for targets but felt that you had slightly misled us with your statement that you had been prominent in the activities of the bow group. We were flattered by your undoubted enthusiasm for our rapid rebuttal unit, but felt the use of the quarterstaff to be inappropriate. We have taken the liberty of passing your CV to other organisations in the same field.

J Seery

Dear Mr Piper,

Thank you for attending for interview and for your interest in working with the Looked-After Children team. I regret to inform you that you were not the successful applicant on this occasion but hope you find the following feedback helpful. Your ideas regarding building rapport with "hard to reach" young people, and your questions about dress code, revealed an innovative approach which impressed the panel. Your experience in Germany, particularly your unusual consultancy work with town councils in Lower Saxony, was especially fascinating to hear about. The Criminal Records Bureau clearance reassuringly revealed no concerns relating to this period. With your interest in animals and musical performance, you are clearly a colourful character who would have contributed much both to the young people in our care and, indeed, to the team. It is with regret, therefore, as explained at interview, that within our scarce resources we were unable to meet your financial expectations. On a slightly different note, you didn't happen to see the office cat on your way out, did you?

David Silverman

Dear Mr Bond,

Thank you for your interest in the advertised position of negotiator with Acas and congratulations on the forceful case you have made for yourself. No one could question your patriotism or your professional dedication; they have been conclusively established.

However, it remains doubtful whether your methods of conflict resolution are fully compatible with Acas policy. Though there is little doubt that "ruthlessly destroying the enemies of western civilisation wherever and in whatever guise they appear" is a laudable achievement, the fatality count has by your own admission been rather high. As a body concerned with more prosaic collisions of interest, Acas is generally disposed to place the emphasis on reasoned debate, compromise, searching for common ground, etc. A licence to kill is regrettably not in our remit. Nor is a "Martini allowance". We chose, in the circumstances, another candidate.

G M Davis

Dear Mr N Armstrong,

Thank you for your timely application. However, we do feel that you may be overstepping yourself. It became clear from reading your resume that your lunar experience might not be relevant or appropriate on the surface of Mars.

The consensus here is that you would not necessarily be equipped with the skill set required of modern astronauts. Your comment on 21 July 1969 singularly failed to recognise or be representative of the multi-lifestyle choice effort exerted to land a person on this satellite, and make such a giant leap for people-kind.

The Apollo missions, named as they were after a questionable male stereotype, reliant also on overtly phallic design and employing the tactic of heading for the first available crater, are a period of US history we would rather forget.

An appreciation of the changing face of cosmic exploration, necessitating a non-discriminatory approach, is crucial. Silicon-based life forms will be afforded all due respect. In your resume you state an ambition as "Toasting some sand critters". This attitude is wholly dysfunctional; it is now accepted syntax to refer to the "carbonately challenged".

John Griffiths-Colby

No 3818 Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

You are asked to take a word and alter it - by adding a letter, changing a letter, and deleting a letter - and supplying definitions for all three words.

As many as you like by 20 February. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk