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Competition

Published 02 February 2004

Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3814

Set by John Crick, 12 January

We asked for a multiple-choice test for "Britishness", avoiding the usual tired political and legal cliches.

Report by Ms de Meaner

You divided pretty neatly down the middle between those who had one obviously "right" answer ("Trouble and strife is: a) the political situation in Northern Ireland b) the political situation in your country of origin c) Cockney rhyming slang for a female live-in partner"), and those who didn't. The latter clearly had a better chance of being funnier, and therefore a slight built-in advantage. However, well done everyone. £20 to the three winners, £10 to newcomer Chris Willis, hon menshes to Neil Rennick, Rosemary MacKenzie, Anne Du Croz, Bill Halfpenny and David Silverman ("Maybe it's because I'm ***** that I love London town: a) a masochist b) a mayoral candidate c) a crack dealer d) all three"). The overall winner is Geoff Horton, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.

1: Which of the following is not a British patron saint?

a) St Jonny, Wizard of Oz

b) St Di, Princess of Hearts

c) St Maggie of the Handbag

d) St Becks of the Golden Balls

2: Who killed the Princess of Hearts?

a) Mohamed Al Fayed

b) Prince Charles

c) George W Bush

d) The French

3: Which of the following has achieved the most?

a) Jade Goody

b) Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

c) Jordan

d) Iain Duncan Smith

4: What is the first line of the National Anthem?

a) "Swing low, sweet chariot"

b) "I know what I want, what I really really want"

c) "Agadoo, do, do, push pineapple shake the tree"

d) "You're gonna get your f*****g 'ead kicked in"

5: Which of the following is not traditional British food?

a) Chicken tikka masala

b) Pizza

c) Big Mac

d) Doner kebab

Paul McCunn

1: Which of the following is the most coveted item in British life?

a) A knighthood

b) An OBE

c) A disabled parking badge

2: Of what does the typical British Sunday lunch consist?

a) Meat and two veg

b) Fish 'n' chips

c) Lager and Premiership football

3: Why do workmen in Britain insist on a tea break?

a) Because the British love tea

b) Because the tea break was hard-won by trade unionists

c) Because when else could they go and sign on?

4: Which of the following does every Briton know?

a) The date of the battle of Agincourt

b) The "To be or not to be" soliloquy from Hamlet

c) The precise figure by which a house just like his has increased in value over the past month

Adrian Fry

1: When an audience in which you are sitting starts to clap in time to music and you join in, which beats do you clap on?

a) Two and four

b) One and three

c) One, two, three and four

2: When immigrants are discussed, do you say:

a) "They offer cultural diversity . . ."

b) "Why doesn't France take them?"

c) "You can't blame them for seeking a better life or fleeing oppression"

3: When you landed in this country did you think:

a) "What a wonderful country"

b) "Not a bad day, but a bit breezy"

c) "The start of a new life"

4: If a man calls you a poof, do you:

a) Beat him up

b) Smile benignly and pretend you haven't caught what he said

c) Shout abuse at him

5: If you are in a queue and someone pushes in front of you, do you?

a) Push in front of them

b) Apologise to them

c) Argue with them

6: If a man on the train tells you that just that morning his wife was killed, do you:

a) Express sympathy

b) Shake your paper out straight to read it

c) Ask him about it and see if there's anything you can offer to do to help

Geoff Horton

1: Did you oppose the war on Iraq?

a) Yes

2: Do you believe in weapons of mass destruction?

a) No

3: Would you vote for Tony Blair in the next election?

a) No

Verdict: You've given all the correct answers and proved you are a true Brit. Unfortunately, Mr Blair thinks there are quite enough of your sort in this country already, so we can't let you in. Next!

Chris Willis

No 3817 Set by John Crick

Apparently, one in three of us suffers from CWS (celebrity worship syndrome). Could we have examples of how this afflicts us (eg, a doctor's case notes) and possible cures? The sufferer could be real or fictional.

Max 200 words by 13 February (to appear in issue dated 23 February ) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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