Competition No 3813
Set by John Crick, 5 January
You were asked to imagine yourself in the role of some sort of 21st-century guru and give us your Keys to Success . . .
Report by Ms de Meaner
First, an abject apology to Keith Norman, who was, in fact, joint 11th in 2002 (not unplaced as marked) alongside Adrian Fry and David Barton. Can you ever forgive us?
As to this week, you were all on good form. £20 to the three winners, additional Tesco vouchers to the champion, Geoff Horton, a £5 book token to John Griffiths-Colby and an hon mensh to Bill Greenwell ("Learn to harmonise with birds").
. . . in Staff Recruitment and Retention
1. Go by looks. The rest - CV, forms, interviews - is propaganda. Looks are the only real evidence.
2. Always choose the best-looking candidate. Research shows that such people generally have more confidence, are happier and better at carrying out tasks such as filing, word processing and PowerPoint presentations.
3. The ideal size of the interview panel is four. This ensures that a variety of cultures, genders and sexual orientations is represented. More importantly, the interviewees' looks can be judged from all sides. This approach should also be used for annual reviews.
4. In the case of identical twins, suggest a job-share.
5. Insist on a probation period of, say, ten years, to allow for the effects of ageing.
6. Exceptionally good looks should be rewarded.
7. Younger siblings of the above should be offered work experience or apprenticeships.
8. Less attractive employees should be shown strategies for improvement, including action plans with realistic timescales. Failing this, counselling may be provided.
9. Time off or working from home should be permitted for bad hair days.
10. This "beautiful is beautiful" approach will ensure equality of opportunity if applied rigorously, as even some Welsh people can be fairly pleasing to the eye.
David Silverman
. . . in Life and Work
1. Be tall. It doesn't matter if your measured height is 4ft 3in, make your personality 6ft 3in - and don't forget to duck for those low doorways.
2. Make enemies.
3. Unsuccessful people go with the herd. Buck the trend: drive fast when the others are going slow and vice versa.
4. Don't be sentimental; don't waste time on the old person who has just collapsed with a heart attack in front of you.
5. Time is money. Money is success. Wasting time equals failure. If someone wants to see you, they come to you - it doesn't matter if they are one of your parents, and they're dying.
6. Stuff charity. Give to "good causes" only when there is some payback. And write the cost off to expenses.
7. You must manage five times a night. If not, pay someone to say that you do.
8. Don't fill out honest tax returns. Everyone successful is in dispute with the Inland Revenue.
9. You must work every hour God sends you - or cheat, embezzle, defraud and steal, which is much more fun.
10. Success often entails original ideas; these can, of course, be taken from someone else.
Geoff Horton
. . . in Living According to Feng Shui Principles after Christmas Festivities
1. Sit and stare at the TV. Your TV is full of chi energy from metal, plastic and glass and has the effect of stabilising the flow of chi energy in your house.
2. If exhausted, hide under the duvet, which must be facing west to avoid the flow of chi energy coming from the east. 3. January is the month of the ox, so order in pizza, curry or fish and chips, avoiding north-facing Scottish cancerous salmon chi energy.
4. Send kids to stay with Granny or someone full of chi energy and so avoid having calming, radiant flowers knocked to bits by little elbows, feet etc.
5. Carefully place ruined flowers in a shredder and hurl the remains out of a west-facing window, where they will be absorbed by negative chi energy.
6. Get videos and watch for hours. Positive chi energy from all scenes of sex or violence will produce positive results.
7. When exhausted . . . (see 2)
8. On waking, do not look in the mirror, as mirrors give off massive amount of chi energy and can be exhausting.
9. Phone in sick. Speaking with forked tongue can be invigorating and quite harmless in healthy adults. You are now ready for 1, 2, 3, etc.
Josh Ekroy
. . . at Comps
1. Read the question.
2. Have a double-barrelled name.
3. Advise acquaintances that you prefer to be called Basil or Baz.
4. Limit all written and verbal communication to 200 words.
5. Retain at least one Tesco voucher; show it to those who said writing would never put food on the table, and say, "Darling, it's what I must do" . . .
John Griffiths-Colby
No 3816 Set by George Cowley
Peter Wilby wrote: "National newspapers that set out to appeal to middle-of-the-road views rarely succeed." We want an editorial from just such a newspaper.
Max 200 words by 6 February E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
