Competition No 3811
Set by George Cowley, 8 December
We asked for way-out beliefs or a new religion explained in a logical and coherent way.
Report by Ms de Meaner
First, an apology for the non-appearance of the annual winners' box for 2003. It will appear without fail next week. Hon menshes to Adrian Fry, R J Pickles, Bill Greenwell and John Griffiths-Colby. A special £5 book token to Lucy Skipping for almost making it (an excerpt is printed below) and £20 to the winners. The overall champion is Basil Ransome-Davies, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.
In the Prince we trust. In the Prince's Trust we trust. We praise thee Jah Rastacharli, Laird of Lairds, Defender of the Faith. Return, Great Salmon of Deeside, return with Thy Lady, Camilla. Cast out the usurper William V. Who will read from the Book of Lochnagar? Come forth, Bro Bob-Menelik. "And Mosiah-Elijah went up to the bothy on the sacred mountain, and did cultivate the Prince's organic garden. And he partook of the holy herb, and lo! he knew the Saviour, and he worshipped Him. Then did Jah Rastacharli teach him the Laws of Nature, the plants whereof he should eat, and how to talk to them. Thereafter did Mosiah-Elijah become Prophet of Lochnagar, writing the gospel thereof. And he and his flock forsook the red, green and gold for the tartan; and they did bind up their locks in tartan glengarries, and set up His temple. And the brothers and sisters passed round in communion the consecrated banana porridge, with Duchy Originals, the while singing "One Love" and "Redemption Song". Weep not, for the time is at hand. Behold! the Saviour, first-born of Lilibet in Buckhouse, shall return to reign over us, bringing peace and justice throughout the land . . ."
Anne Du Croz
The faith of the True Apostrophe illuminates our winter days and the long shadows cast by the forces of unschooled darkness. An increasingly uncertain world, plunging towards chaos through the twin threats of terrorism and unpunctuated text, needs a fixed goal to strengthen the human spirit on its journey towards enlightenment and perfection in the pursuit of the True Apostrophe's Commandments. Fundamentalism in grammar is not extremism: it is the true path, never turning aside to become lost in the tangled undergrowth of slipshod heresy. It combines a belief in beauty with a recognition of the artisan's technical achievement. Those who preach it in the market place, accosting street traders with proof of their misdemeanours, carrying the Apostrophe into the very dens of abuse by greengrocers and menu writers, are apostles of the true way, correct in all things. Theirs is the Loyalty Card of Punctiliousness, rewarded with points to be redeemed in that nirvana where colon and semicolon need no proofreaders, and the faultless Apostrophe sits in glory in the correct position for ever and ever. Constant vigilance, loud condemnation of error and a life of example mark our missionary outreach.
D A Prince
The Hamster on its ever-turning Wheel reminds us of the spinning globe; of the rotations of Time; of the cycle of Life, Death and Immortality. The Wheel moves as the Hamster moves, and when the Hamster sleeps the Wheel is still.
The Hamster needs no Church, no hushed congregations, no public rituals. It exists everywhere: in our dwellings, in our hearts, on databases and websites; the aura of the Hamster is not limited by time and space, and cannot be negated. When one Hamster joins the flux of eternity, another will take its place.
The Hamster is the Law, and the Law of the Hamster requires a suitable environment and the regular provision of fresh food, water and bedding; for without these there is no comfort, and without comfort we stray from the path of the Law.
The name of the Hamster is not Kevin, and whoever addresses it thus will be shamed for ever in the eyes of the faithful.
The Way of the Hamster is not that of the World, yet those who follow the way of the World may also follow the Way of the Hamster. The Hamster does not judge.
Basil Ransome-Davies
. . . Of special interest was the second Person of the Trinity, "the Weird made flesh" - the legendary man-god B'liar, about whom so little is now remembered except that he helped revitalise the ancient doctrine known as the Identity of Opposites. It is B'liar who taught mankind that the existence of something (for example, lethal weapons) actually meant their non-existence. But for B'liar, none would have known that left was right, that war was peace, or that the Lie and Truth were identical . . .
Lucy Skipping
No 3814 Set by John Crick
There has been talk lately of a compulsory "Britishness" test for immigrants to this country. Give us your own multiple-choice test, one that gets away from the usual tired political and legal cliches, and exposes the real us.
Entries in by 23 January (to appear in issue dated 2 February). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
