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Competition No 3810

Set by Brendan O'Byrne, 1 December

You were asked to take well-known quotations and think up questions or remarks that might have occasioned these replies.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. And for all those of you who are drooping with disappointment that the annual winners' tally isn't appearing, relax. It will be here next week, or the week after. This week's heroes get a £5 token each, except for Birchall, Du Croz, Prince and Wardrop, who get £10. The overall winner is Andrew Wardrop, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.

What evidence have you of the harmful effects of pesticides?

The sedge has withered from the lake/And no birds sing! (Keats)

John Marriott

Why did you get involved with drugs?

Things go better with Coke.

What was your worst Connex experience?

The night we went to Birmingham by way of Beachy Head.

Have you had any job offers for when you step down, Mr Blair?

Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

Anne Du Croz

Kev, why don't you do your homework?

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Margaret Rogers

Nigella, that No 10 meal for George Bush - did you use any special ingredients?

Eye of newt, and toe of frog,/Wool of bat, and tongue of dog.

What did you think of this year's Booker winner?

It is a tale/Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,/Signifying nothing.

D A Prince

And what do you think Robinson Crusoe would have said when he spotted a human being after being alone for so many years?

Thank God it's Friday!

Ron Rubin

Are any English words dying out?

For whom, the bell tolls.

W J Webster

How do you propose to welcome asylum-seekers, Mr Blunkett?

We shall fight them on the beaches . . .

Why are you giving up your parliamentary seat, Lord Archer?

I've got a steady job, but I want to be a paperback writer.

Why was your conference speech so emotional, Mr Blair?

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Is there any consistent strand in Gordon Brown's political strategy?

He only does it to annoy, because he knows it teases.

Ian Birchall

Why are you grafting that embryo, professor?

Two heads are better than one.

Prue Sheldon

Who's opening bat in the navy's XI?

It is an ancient Mariner,/And he stoppeth one of three.

Gerard Benson

What's going in your next Criminal Justice Bill, Mr Blunkett?

Sentence first, verdict afterwards.

Nicholas Hodgson

Oi! Where d'you think you're going, Oatsie? It's your round.

I'm just going out - I may be some time.

Stephen Block

What is the essential difference between Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair?

A handbag? (Wilde)

Alan Philpotts

Have you heard the score from Sri Lanka?

Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. (D H Lawrence)

Shall we stroll down to the conference centre, Mr Prescott?

Walk! Not bloody likely. I am going in a taxi. (George Bernard Shaw)

What really gets up your nose, Mr Blunkett?

Freedom of religion; freedom of the press, and freedom of person under the protection of habeas corpus, and trial by juries impartially selected. (Jefferson)

Andrew Wardrop

You must admit, Clare, that Tony has denied the slightest suggestion of wrongdoing?

He would, wouldn't he?

Lucy Skipping

Which newspaper would you like?

Mother, give me the sun. (Ibsen)

David, go and fetch our younger child.

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

R J Pickles

What is the question?

To be or not to be.

Petrina Stevens

No 3813 Set by John Crick

Lifestyle, business and religious gurus are pervasive in modern life. Take on the role and give us Ten Keys to Success with an offbeat or satirical flavour. Entries by 16 January. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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