Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3808

Set by Brendan O'Byrne, 17 November

You were asked to complete the sentence "You know it's time to . . . when . . ."

Report by Ms de Meaner

Simply fantastico. £5 tokens for the singletons, £10 for the twos and £15 for the rest. The overall winner is newcomer Taliesin Nuin, who also gets the Tesco vouchers. And Derek, m'darling, you touched my heart.

You know that it's time . . .

To purchase a dog when you develop an unfortunate wind problem.

Prue Sheldon

To become CEO when Daddy is made chairman.

Michael Cregan

To give up smoking when the tobacco company neglects to renew the lease on your kennels.

To stop drinking when the last drink of the night and the first drink of the day happen within minutes of each other.

To call and say sorry when she's changed her mobile number.

To re-form the band when none of you can remember the creative differences that split it.

Adrian Fry

To go home when thousands of protesters march in the streets telling you to. (At least, you ought to know.)

Taliesin Nuin

To stop smoking when your left lung catches fire.

To see Kill Bill Vol 1 when you've seen Kill Bill Vol 2.

To finish next Christmas's shopping when the January sales are coming down.

Bill Greenwell

To hang up your racquet when you hear yourself described as the new Henman.

Keith Norman

To go when it's your round.

To go when her husband joins you in bed.

To go when you are the weakest link.

Sid Field

To change your religion when your Sunday school teacher mentions giving up sweets for Lent.

Barbara Smoker

To stop looking for weapons of mass destruction when your forces are being devastated by small-scale conventional weapons.

Ian Birchall

To get off the bus when you wake up in the depot.

To get married when your girlfriend keeps turning up for dates in long white dresses.

To leave when your hosts reappear in pyjamas and start winding up the clock.

R J Pickles

To get off the computer when your fingers are stuck to the mouse.

Katie Mallett

To review your security procedures when your footman keeps getting calls from a man named Piers.

Michael Leapman

To throw yourself off a yacht when you have just unwisely stolen a large chunk of the pension funds of your employees.

To emigrate when the only job you can get is in a call-centre.

To stop drinking when you wake up to find that you have somebody else's liver inside you.

Geoff Horton

To emigrate when your home team starts winning.

John Griffiths-Colby

To get the car serviced when the knocking sound in the engine has a kind of cool maxi beat to it.

John O'Byrne

To think about packing in the comp when, for the past 12 months, you haven't had a mensh, not even for completely missing the point of the competition.

Derek Morgan

To give up on romance when your spouse charges you for sex.

To seek therapy when you start believing Tony Blair.

Basil Ransome-Davies

To take the dog out for a long walk when, ten minutes before your wife is due home from work, you step back and take a good look at the plastering which you had decided to "manage" yourself.

David Barton

To stop plagiarising when you finally realise that you have nothing to declare but your genius.

To knock that Showaddywaddy obsession on the head when, when, when you smile, when you smile at me . . .

Jamie Bird

To loot Dixons in Putney High Street when the whole of the Met is out guarding President Bush.

David Silverman

No 3811 Set by George Cowley

Michael Perry wrote (in the Church Times): "If people stop believing in God, they don't believe in nothing; they believe in anything." We'd like invented way-out beliefs or a new religion explained in a logical and coherent way.

Max 200 words by 2 January. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website