Competition No 3806
Set by Brendan O'Byrne, 3 November
You were asked for ways to keep a healthy level of insanity going in your life.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Eh, how we laffed. Stupendous. As we did last week, the singletons can have £5 book tokens, the doubletons £10. The rest get £15, except for David Goldwater, who can have £20. Robin Oakley-Hill also gets the Tesco vouchers for the excellent dog-and-stick idea.
When it rains in a film, put up an umbrella.
Take some fairground rubber ducks to a public convenience, place them outside the door, and see if you can get them with a fishing rod from inside.
Build a large glass box in front of your front door, with tubes going in and out of your house, and four weeks' supply of mineral water in one corner. Live in it.
Bill Greenwell
In conversations on any subject say, frequently, "George Bush is a clever man."
M E Ault
Clamp your own car parked in your driveway.
Send resignation letters to companies you don't work for.
John O'Byrne
Send e-mails to everyone in your address book asking them where you left your glasses.
Fill in the Times crossword using arbitrary combinations of letters.
Decorate your workspace with large pictures of crocodiles.
Basil Ransome-Davies
Find a pillar box on a crowded street and start speaking into the slit, as though addressing someone trapped inside. When a small audience has gathered, say to the imaginary prisoner: "Don't worry. I'm off to get help." Then walk away.
Keith Norman
Put something valuable in your front garden and video it being pinched.
Play air guitar in time with the hymns in church.
Katie Mallett
Carry a pineapple at all times.
D A Prince
In the swimming pool, tie a plastic shark's fin to your back and swim just below the surface.
Geoff Horton
Send thousands of ground forces to fight an enemy you sincerely believe has the capacity to launch weapons of mass destruction within 45 minutes.
Take a loaf of bread to work on the day of your induction, and break off crumbs as you are taken on a tour of the building. Explain that this is so you can find your way back to your office.
David Silverman
In meetings, take notes with a pencil. Press down too hard so you keep breaking the lead of the pencil. Sharpen the pencil and blow the shavings everywhere. While writing, protect the page with your arm so that no one can copy you. While writing, grunt with concentration and let your tongue protrude from the corner of your mouth.
Send an e-mail to everyone in your organisation, asking them to "ignore this message". Send a further e-mail to everyone in your organisation, asking them to open an attachment. The attachment reads: "Ignore the message asking you to open this attachment."
Display some family photos on your desk. When colleagues ask you who the people are in your photos, tell them you haven't the slightest idea.
On your way out of the office, call out loudly: "I'm just going to the toilet. Does anybody want anything?"
Phone the Inland Revenue and ask them if they've got a kettle.
Dave Goldwater
Tuck your trousers into your socks during office tea or coffee breaks.
Put on a hideous, paper face mask whenever going to the lavatory.
Write "Good morning" in bold felt-tip across your forehead, not forgetting to put on a woolly hat after midday.
Take a small clothes-rack to work and use the space round your desk to dry your underwear.
David Barton
While walking your dog, carry a long stick in your mouth.
Make yourself a battery-operated halo to wear to church.
Robin Oakley-Hill
No 3809 Set by Brendan O'Byrne
Compose a "scam letter" ghost-written by a famous author of your choice.
Max 200 words by 4 December (to appear in Christmas issue). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
