Competition No 3804
Set by Margaret Rogers, 20 October
We asked for limericks on our political parties.
Report by Ms de Meaner
It may be a while since I set a limerick comp, but I certainly didn't expect quite so many to have totally forgotten the form this takes. Tut! I was also quite worried about the hot breaking news in the Tory party. Luckily, most of you saw the way the wind was blowing, as in Adrian Fry's "For it's taking the pith/To think Iain Duncan Smith/Could ever take the helm of the nation". Your Labour and Lib Dems just didn't have the same oomph, Adrian, me old lad. Mostly I have kept your offerings in the following order: Labour, Tories, Lib Dems. £15 to the winners. The major star, who also gets the vouchers, is Basil Ransome-Davies.
For new Labour the future's set fair,
Our leader has talents so rare;
He's got no reverse gear,
His heart's full of cheer
- And we won't raise your taxes, we swear.
For the Tories the future's set fair,
Our new leader has talents so rare;
The quiet man went fast,
But the next one will last
- And we won't raise your taxes, we swear.
For the Lib Dems the future's set fair,
Our leader has talents so rare;
He spoke out against war,
But only before
- And we won't raise your taxes, we swear.
Ian Birchall
Oh, the buzz of the minimum wage,
And the pledges of late middle age!
The gist and the thrust is
For dignity, justice,
And applause for the guys on the stage.
A fair deal for patients. Save lives!
A fair deal for workers. No skives!
Deal pensioners fair,
With sheriffs who care!
And a fair deal of sharpening knives.
Council tax unwisely spent!
Iraq - a suspicious event!
Our boldest ambition:
Provide Opposition -
And here's a young lady of Brent.
Bill Greenwell
In Blackpool we sing of old glories.
Shortcomings must vie with tall stories.
OK, IDS
Is a terrible mess.
So let's be cut-throat and hard. We're the Tories!
Lib Dems we are meeting in Brighton
To enthuse, to enthral, to enlighten.
Dear Charles is at hand,
With a glass in his hand.
He is admirable. He is our Crichton.
(on the Scottish National Party)
Outdoors we are tossing the caber.
Indoors we play beggar my neighbour.
We rant and we rave
About Scotland the Brave.
Above all, though, we're rude about Labour.
Geoffrey Tapper
Tony Blair, Tony Blair, Tony Blair,
Tony Blair, Tony Blair, Tony Blair,
Tony Blair, Tony Blair,
Tony Blair, Tony Blair,
And the rest of it's simply hot air.
We Tories think Britain's a mess
In the hands of new Labour; and guess
What's our first aim in sight
To put it all right?
You've got it - to ditch IDS!
Michael Cregan
Our leader is solemn and terse,
As if burdened with driving a hearse,
And like Mr Toad
As he roars down the road
He can stall but he cannot reverse.
Imagine the sweetness and light
When our leader puts everything right.
He's a man you can trust
To be honest and just,
Though he's only allowed out at night.
Our leader's a genial bloke
Whose reality checks are a joke,
But it's really unfair
To poke fun at his hair
Or suggest that he's also a soak.
Basil Ransome-Davies
"A Fair Deal for Everyone"? Yes,
It's profound and it's sure to impress,
Though the hidden agenda
Of every attender
Was: "How do we ditch IDS?"
You're not gonna vote for the Loonies,
You ain't gonna vote for the Greens.
So with Tories divided
And Labour derided,
We are electable in-betweens.
David Silverman
No 3807 Set by John O'Byrne
The American comedian Dimitri Martin won the Perrier Award for his stand-up show, which features anagrams, maths formulae and palindromes. Compose some deeply philosophical palindromes along the lines of "Women understand men; few men understand women" or "God knows man. What is doubtful is what man knows God!" - which won NS compers Naomi Marks and G J Blundell prizes in the "go dog!" 1970s.
As many as you like by 21 November (to appear in issue dated 1 December). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
