Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3803

Set by George Cowley, 13 October

Tessa Jowell wrote in the NS: "The sense of independence and irreverence embedded in British culture is something to celebrate." We asked for irreverent profiles of people belonging to an august body such as the House of Lords, the Church of England, etc.

Report by Ms de Meaner

A few of you broke the rules this week, thinking we meant made-up people. I shall not name and shame the guilty compers, but one such sent in the innocent-sounding "Richard Head", who then turned out to be the "Rouge Garter Armoire King-at-Arms" whose estate, appropriately, was named "Glanders". How I wished he existed.

I was also amused by another comper's mention of Ernest Bevin, who is said to have commented that the Lord Privy Seal is neither a lord, nor a privy nor a seal: "Peter Hain could never be mistaken for a basking marine mammal." No indeed. Unfortunately, that was the only line that raised a chuckle.

There was also a lot of sneakiness going on, with easy targets such as Melvyn Bragg picked more often than not. Good-natured as ever, I allowed Norman St John Stevas through, as a one-off.

£20 to the winners. The best of the bunch is Anne Du Croz, who also gets some Tesco vouchers with which to go wild.

Micky Willcocks knows the knock-knock jokes off by heart. He has to - that's his job. I asked him what it was like being Black Rod, or make that Gentleman Usher of the Black Rod, his full official moniker. Must be like being Tony Orlando, I tell him. Who? he says. Come on Micky, I say, knock three times on the ceiling if you want me. You even dress up in silks like Tony O did. Big hit. Three big hits when Old Black Rod bangs his rhythm-stick on the Commons door. He can hear their music playin', he can feel their bodies swayin', but every time he knocks them up, they give him a mahogany faceful, or oak, or whatever. It's tradition. It's not that they don't like him. They're probably scared of him. He's a Lieutenant-General, and a Knight Commander of the Bath (pass me the soap, sire!), and he's been Bosnia's boss beret, too. And his reward? He gets jumped-up squaddies slamming him out! Sir Micky Wilko's been getting his own back, though. When the Queen Mum went off, he kept the PM off the patch. Black Rod! They don't like it up 'em! Sorted!

Bill Greenwell

Mr and Mrs Stevas were delighted when they moved to Norman Street on the new estate. However, when little John started school there were five other Johns in the class. The teacher solved the problem by calling them after the street in which they lived. Norman Street John's best friend was Hanover Street John. When they learnt to write, they abbreviated their names to Norman St John and Hanover St John.

Norman St John then won a prize for his essay, "The monarchy is sacred". The dignitary who presented him with the book Constitutional Wrangles for Dummies announced that it was for Norman Sinjun Stevas.

John had found his destiny. If he could not become a Queen he would become a toff, a buffer, a Tory MP, called Norman Sinjun Stevas. If he could not be The Lord Almighty he would be a lord, and when minor members of royalty misbehaved he would be telephoned by the media for his august, expert, obsequious and oleaginous opinion of the effect this might have on the constitution.

Lisbeth Rake

Lord Hutton of Bresagh's finest moment is generally acknowledged to have come with his inquiry into the death of David Kelly. Born in Protestant Belfast, Hutton was sent to Shrewsbury school, where he was nicknamed Hoofy. There he acquired his trademark half-moon spectacles, learning to perch them disconcertingly askew, while peering incredulously over the top. Despite his Judge Dredd views, when studying at Balliol he made regular forays into the poteen-brewing wilds of southern Ireland. Today, though a respectable family man and kingpin of the legal establishment, he still leads an alternative life as "The Bresagh Balladeer", one of a posse of rogues known as "Lord Hoofy and His Pals". With his partner Mush McCarthy, County Kerry's Lily Savage, he runs The Moon and Sixpence, Ballybogle. He acts as bouncer himself if drunks refuse to leave. As Mush puts it: "Isn't he just the brilliant man for handling questions of principle?" "Lord of Appeal in Ordinary", he may be, but his performance on the spoons while singing "The Star of the County Down" is decidedly extraordinary. Hutton a popular pub entertainer? How likely is that! About as likely as his having the power to see off a British Prime Minister.

Anne Du Croz

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website