Competition No 3798
Set by John Crick, 8 September
Lust, greed, etc, aren't so relevant any more. We asked for up-to-date sins for the 21st century.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Excellent. I enjoyed this comp immensely, although some of you seemed to take a delight in not quite getting what we were asking for. I shall mention no names. But, for example, what was I to make of the "sin of psychobabble", from a regular? ("This has shrunk the spectrum of human emotions to a litany of formulaic phrases. Let's draw a line under it, achieve closure and move on.") You weren't supposed to nominate your own pet hates and explain why they should be sins, my darling. £20 to the multi-winners, a tenner to Katie Mallett, and a fiver for the singletons. Top dog is Ian Birchall, who also gets the the Tesco vouchers.
Obesity - Venial for men, mortal for women. The ideal is the stick insect/"Posh" look, but get below size 8 and you risk universal censure.
Union membership - As new Labour has repeatedly stressed, joining a union is not a crime, provided union activity is limited to paying a subscription. But it is a sin.
Poverty - Unpardonable, but a sin that has been elegantly designed to punish itself.
G M Davis
Failure to drive a car - Everyone knows that the sole causes of congestion are buses and pedestrian crossings; without them traffic would flow smoothly and rapidly.
Failure to use a mobile phone - How dreary public places would be without the rich mix of melodies from all sources - true world music - and dramatic monologues. Just as masturbation produces blindness, those who do not constantly announce where they are become psychologically disoriented.
Failure to use the internet - This is the sloth of our epoch. These parasites and free-riders loaf in front of the television, while the rest of us do our social duty by spending three hours a day deleting junk e-mails.
Failure to take drugs - More sloth. These idlers seek out undemanding jobs which do not require them to snort cocaine to get through the day. Chemical deprivation leads to antisocial behaviour; they fall into introversion, and are able to enjoy music without external assistance.
Ian Birchall
Obscurity - "Have I heard of you?" Always work hard so that this question may never be put to you, and strive at all times to achieve your five minutes of Warholian fame. Obscurity is the cause of carcinomas in young persons.
Consistency - This is contrary to the laws of update; we must change or die. Research shows that consistency is the cause of many allergies such as asthma.
Logical thought - This is entirely inimical to the therapised values by which we must all live our lives, and must be eschewed at all times in favour of healthily inarticulate emoting.
Discretion - The sin of discretion is most harmful to our health since it is a form of repression (qv) and hypocrisy (qv). All discreet persons must be outed, preferably on television, for their own good and that of a truly balanced society.
Josh Ekroy
Being found out - A modern sin, linked to sloth, which occurs when a person fails to take proper precautions to cover their guilt. It displays lamentable negligence in the use of spin, decoys, scapegoats and other distraction strategies.
M E Ault
Ignorance - Thou shalt not do badly in tests or examinations. To facilitate this, examiners shall ensure that the pass percentage corresponds with the standard of the entries submitted (see discrimination).
Retaliation - Thou shalt not retaliate even if a burglar is destroying thy home, raping thy wife, and taking all thou hast, nor shalt thou defend thyself when the police are absent.
Katie Mallett
Solvency - In a world with so many choices and opportunities, it is a sin not to participate in spending activity. Remember, every unspent penny you haven't yet earned could constitute the entire month's wages of a third-world tobacco farmer.
Adrian Fry
Lack of interest in TV - eg, not knowing the outcomes of Restoration, Big Brother, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and all soaps, and therefore incapable of normal conversation.
D A Prince
Camera shyness - The deliberate shunning of all opportunities to expose your alcoholism, drug addiction, broken relationships and other intimate details to an audience of millions. Especially odious is the refusal to romp about naked with Keith Chegwin.
Michael Cregan
No 3801 Set by Stan Knafler
No one in the public eye seems to apologise any more. We'd like compers to write an unlikely apology from a well-known person or character.
Max 200 words by 10 October (to appear in issue dated 20 October). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
