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Competition

Published 18 August 2003

Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3792

Set by Ian Birchall, 28 July

Jo Moore (of "a good day to bury bad news" fame) is now a primary school teacher. How would she tell a class of six-year-olds that their end-of-term outing had been cancelled?

Report by Ms de Meaner

The point about this one was the deliberate and cynical announcement of bad news when it would least be noticed. I don't think announcing that the school trip has been cancelled in order to hold a school service to mark the deaths of the head and the caretaker, killed by a falling ceiling, is quite what I had in mind. Nor is diverting the class with sweets ("creamy ones, rum ones, treacly ones") to counteract the disappointment. £20 to the three winners below, an hon mensh to Lisbeth Rake, and the additional Tesco vouchers to top dog Bill Greenwell.

Are you all sitting still? Very good. Now put your hands together, SMILE, and look straight at me. Straight at me, Rose and Georgia! Fergus! Now I have very, very sad news. Stephen the Stick Insect has gone to Heaven. Say, "Aaaaaah." Isn't that sad? He caught Spots in the night, and wasn't very well, and Mr Crisp the Caretaker says we should have a Proper Funeral tomorrow. And all the animals in the wildlife park are so sad, too, they won't want to see us tomorrow. I should think the Leopard will be jolly worried. Because he has Spots. So tomorrow - Molly! - we're going to have a Funeral. Did your Nan, did she? Well then, you know that, at Funerals, they have Cakes . . . Ham Sandwiches . . . Buns . . . and Doritos, so tomorrow that's what we'll do instead! Isn't that Fun?! Now let's sing very loud "We're Not Going to the Zoo Tomorrow, Zoo Tomorrow, Zoo Tomorrow, We're Not Going to the Zoo Tomorrow". Gold stars for singing Really Loud! Ready -

Bill Greenwell

Today, children, we're going to do something very exciting! We're going to explore the origins of the universe - remember the Big Bang? And what a big bang it was. It was so big it blew everything in the universe to pieces. The planets all went whizzing off in different directions. Neptune, Jupiter, Uranus and even the Spaceship Planet Earth went zooming away into space as fast as we could go. Then the planets stopped zooming about quite so much, but we've just heard that the Spaceship Planet Earth, the one that we are on now, is going to carry on, on that long trip that I was telling you about, zooming and zooming around in space. Yes, isn't that exciting, boys and girls? We shall be seeing all sorts of exciting things tonight from our spaceship - the moon, for example, and millions and millions of stars, if it's a clear night. And during the day we shall see the sun! That's a lot more exciting than boring old Chessington World of Adventures, don't you agree?

Josh Ekroy

Good morning, children. Now, have you taken your Ritalin? Good. That's really, really lovely. I expect you're wondering why I gave you an extra Ritalin today. Well, first I thought you all deserved a little treat, and second, I'm afraid you're going to have to be very calm and brave. When you visit Pets' Corner today, you'll find Benji's cage empty. Last night, Benji passed away to the place where all good hamsters go. Hampstead, Jason. Heaven for hamsters. Don't be sad, children. Benji had a good life and we should celebrate that. So, paper and pencils. Let's have some drawings celebrating Benji. One other thing before you start. This notice gives some end-of-term arrangements - the prize-giving, the rescheduling of the outing and so on. I'll pin it right up here out of the way so as to leave lots and lots of room for your tributes to Benji.

Keith Norman

No 3795 Set by Bazza

An extract from a futuristic novel in which the Soviet Union wins the cold war. Max 200 words by 29 August. E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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