Competition No 3786

Set by Brendan O'Byrne, 16 June

We asked for lines from a very, very bad sex scene.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Bad sex! Hmm. The trouble with making bad sex scenes funny is that suddenly they're not so bad. The really bad entries - as far as I was concerned - were so pornographic and graphic that my face went rigid with distaste and I couldn't bring myself to use them. A tenner to the winners. The overall winner is Bill Greenwell, who also gets the vouchers.

Delia groaned with pleasure among the crockery as Roger tweaked her nipples. The universe dissolved as his hand found the waistband of her panties and peeled her bare. She grasped his sprouting phallus knowing that nothing else mattered - not her work, not her family, not the other diners around them.

Basil Ransome-Davies

Someone entered the shower behind her and slid a crystal slowly, teasingly over her wet, throbbing body. "Oh Carole," she breathed, "Lower, lower . . ."

"Carole couldn't make it today," replied a gruff Aussie voice. "Now brace yourself, Cherie, while I get rid of my toxins . . ."

Gabrielle de Pauw

Like a Rossini overture, the sounds accelerated, and grew in intensity: faster, faster, faster, louder, louder, louder. The noise became so extravagant that it threatened to attract the attention of the Noise Abatement Society.

Geoff Horton

"Coffee?" she breathed. The next hour was like nothing Kirk had experienced.

He proceeded to boldly go where no man had dreamed. Her fourteen legs and mouths were everywhere. Her body, a planet of delights, engulfed him.

"Captain's log. That was . . ." he thought, before she vapourised him.

David Silverman

Her cleaving unguent. His rumbustious rodney. They half-squandered every shudder with barcaroles of delight, moans that were splendidly subcutaneous, his seed like tiger-moths bristling in their pupae, her labia (inner and outer) radiant with amazement. And then, walloping, the sluice of his juice, like brilliant llama-spittle. Lacrimae Christi! they chorused.

Bill Greenwell

In disbelief, he watched his trembling hand creep nervously along the sofa and eventually with an ungloved fumble release the crimson garter from its "easy" thigh. Then, having pressed this precious trophy to his eager lips, he waved it triumphantly at the friends lurking excitedly behind the one-way glass.

David Barton

Vanessa felt that her body was an instrument upon which Victor was playing Bruch's Violin Concerto No 1. Any moment now his bow would reach the point upon her taut cat gut at which the crescendo would begin. Oh adagio! Oh rubato! Oh arpeggio! Oh contrapuntal sostenuto!

J Seery

Liam tore off Maisie's thong with a ferocity that almost frightened her. She could feel the heat of his member approaching her, and squealed with delight as her moist orifice welcomed the intruder. Then he was in, and it was all over, bar the shouting.

Katie Mallett

No 3789 Set by Gavin Ross

The Russian word "vokzal", meaning "station", is said to derive from the 1830s, when the tsar was shown one of London's first railway stations at Vauxhall. According to reports, due to a misunderstanding, he took Vauxhall to be the generic name for station and no one dared correct him. His initial pronunciation, "voksal", was later changed to "vokzal" as an aide to better Russian pronunciation. We want new Russian words, with definitions, arising from Putin's recent visit.

Max ten new words by 18 July (to appear in issue dated 28 July). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk