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Competition No 3781

Set by Ian Birchall, 12 May

Is Saddam the new Elvis? We asked for accounts of recent "sightings".

Report by Ms de Meaner

Superb. There were quite a few new names this week, which always cheers me up. And some can even have hon menshes. I refer to Michael Berry (. . . a man in late middle age with a large black moustache came into this shop and asked for a New Statesman) and Andrew Stone ("There he was, bold as brass," a man called Dubbya told us, "and I tell you, this guy looked mad. He had this crazy gleam in his eye"). However, a warm welcome to newcomers Val Bannister, Yorke Grotian, Glyn Myerscough, Craig Hawes, Simon Brough and Tom Elkins, who was so inspired by the comp he sent in a long essay, saying he thought we "might like to see the results". Saddam popping up as a witness at your wedding is certainly a novel idea. £20 to the winners. The best of the lot is David Silverman, who also gets those Tesco vouchers.

Thousands of viewers jammed ITV's switchboard last night following the "appearance" of Saddam Hussein on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? The notorious dictator had shaved off his trademark moustache and had acquired a US-army-style buzz cut, but was easily spotted by astute Iraqi-watchers. "His grasp of general knowledge was incredible," said postal clerk Adam R. "I was flicking through the channels when I came across him answering a £64,000 question about the 1979 Booker Prize-winner. He seemed extremely cool under pressure. It was obvious Chris Tarrant didn't know who he was because he made a few jokes about his resemblance to Bart Simpson. Saddam eyed him coldly." A spokesperson for the Ministry of Defence stated: "The Secretary of State didn't watch the show in question; however, he would be amazed if it was the real Saddam." The former dictator refused a lifeline, had no friend to phone, and failed the £1 million question (Rimbaud is not Sylvester Stallone). He left with £32,000. There have been many sightings of the deposed leader in recent months, including one with Lord Lucan in Stringfellows nightclub. A CIA source informed us: "These hunted guys are attracted to quiz shows; we're keeping a close eye on The Weakest Link."

John O'Byrne

Diners at an exclusive French restaurant in Kensington, tucking into their meal of three button mushrooms and an artistic sprig of parsley, were astounded to find none other than Saddam Hussein and two friends at a neighbouring table. An eyewitness reported that when the waiter came over to inquire how Monsieur was finding his potage aux fines herbes a la provencale, the ex-dictator denied any knowledge of the dish. True enough there was absolutely no sign of bowls or plates on or near Saddam's table. There followed an embarrassing scene in which the entire staff proceeded to search the restaurant, cloakroom and kitchen in a fruitless attempt to locate the meal. The head-waiter insisted that the staff be given more time. After a frantic search of the wine cellars, the pub next door, South Kensington Tube station, the Science Museum (twice) and the Albert Hall had drawn a blank, in desperation an exhausted waitress nervously inquired whether Monsieur could shed any light on the mystery. There was amusement all round when, with a nod and a smile, the ex-president informed her that he had not ordered yet.

David Silverman

Saddam Hussein is alive and living in Oswestry!

That's the amazing message Oswestry newsagent David Grout delivered last night to a historic press conference outside his front door.

Grout, 46, revealed how the former Iraqi despot, wanted in at least one country for the successful concealment of weapons of mass destruction, visited his shop to buy the Daily Mail.

"I hardly noticed him at first," Grout explained, "as I'm something of a racist and wouldn't normally give his type a second glance. But it happened to be raining and he remarked that it was 'the mother of all showers'. There was a twinkle in his eye, and I just knew it was him."

Grout told how Saddam Hussein went on to purchase groceries and inquired about the availability of buses to Wrexham. "He seemed a nice bloke, actually, very quiet but with an incredibly dry wit. He was very interested in the outcome of the local elections, so I reckoned he must've been looking to settle here."

When Saddam Hussein left, driving off in a battered green Citroen, Grout immediately telephoned the immigration authorities. "Of course I couldn't get through. You never can nowadays."

Adrian Fry

No 3784 Set by Brendan O'Byrne

You are asked to rewrite some banal instructions in the style of a famous writer. Here's the sort of thing we want: William Shakespeare's instructions on how to do the hokey-cokey: "O proud left foot, that ventures quick within . . .".

Max 200 words or 20 lines by 13 June (to appear in issue dated 23 June). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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