Competition No 3780
Set by George Cowley, 5 May
We asked for an excerpt from a new soap called WestEnders.
Report by Ms de Meaner
It was with some trepidation that I waited for your entries, as I wasn't sure exactly what I'd get. Your people spanned the class system from Peregrine to Damon, but then even EastEnders has its respectable Dots and its thuggy Phils. The venues were pretty variable, too: the Groucho Club one minute, an upmarket wine bar the next and even a "tea shop" - a superior one, I hope. The only ironic venue came from Katie Mallett. Whatever, somehow I feel that WestEnders won't ever make it into the soap awards. Fifteen quideroos for the winners. Top dog is Bill Greenwell, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.
A Soho pub, early evening. Brad and Damon, thirtysomething suits, are at the bar.
Brad: . . . so the agent says 500K, and I'm like, are we kidding or what?
Damon: He was backsizing the overload feedback vectors?
Brad: Yeah, absolutely. The old retro pull. I knew it, he knew I knew it and I knew he knew I knew it.
Damon: How sad is that? Generally, if they want to Kalashnikov you they do multiple runs via the motherboard. That way they're covered even if the firewall crashes.
Brad: Right. A total amateur. Hey, wax your skis, muchacho, here's Emma.
(Emma, a twentysomething, power-dressing smoker, indicates she'd like a word in private with Damon.)
Damon: What's up, babe?
Emma (in tears): Everything. And don't call me babe. I earn more money than you could dream of. Or at least I did. But the bank's just found out I've been filching funds to feed my blow habit. And Dad's had a heart attack. And a mentally ill half-brother I never knew I had has turned up from Australia. And I might be pregnant.
Damon: Awesome. How much did you steal?
Basil Ransome-Davies
Jonquil: Vino tinto marrante, Archie. That's my tip. And stay off the Yellows.
The Marquess: I would not be seen dead on the Yellows.
Asperger: What's this about Yellows?
Jonquil: The M wouldn't care to be seen dead on them. He'd rather lounge about on the Greens.
Asperger: The Greens! The Greens! How frightful. You can't even buy proper shirts and collars there these days.
Imogen: Perhaps a flat in the Light Blues? They say that lipstick is the new cigarillo.
The Marquess: I would not be seen dead on the Yellows. Not unless there was some coruscating wordplay at the Criterion.
Jonquil: Isn't it about time you put your money where your nose is? Investment. Go for some more moolah.
Imogen: You have only just been released from incarceration, Jonquil.
Jonquil: I was on a roll. I was on a double.
Imogen: Was it horrid?
The Marquess: No, I would not be seen dead on the Yellows. Even if I have problems with my waterworks.
Asperger: Jonquil has ideas above his station. That's his trouble.
(Cressida bursts in, waving a top hat.)
Cressida: Catastrophe! My third husband's first wife's stepdaughter's dotcom bubble has burst!
Jonquil: Oh for God's sake! Not again!
Cressida: And all you can do is play bloody Monopoly!
Bill Greenwell
Scene: The Coalition Arms.
Alastair (the manager) is talking behind the bar to Geoff (a barman).
Alastair: So what do you reckon we should do about the bitch?
Geoff: Best ignore her, I think. Once she's out in the sticks we won't hear much more of her.
Alastair: But do you really think she'll go?
(The door opens and Clare, an off-duty barmaid, enters.)
Clare: Hello, darling.
Alastair: Er, wrong Alastair, I think.
Clare: No, I'm just being friendly. A gin and tonic, please, and have one yourself. Believe you me, you'll need one later.
Geoff: Why, what are you planning?
Clare: That's for me to know and you to find out.
(An interior door bursts open. Tony, the pub owner, almost falls into the room.)
Tony: What's she doing here?
All: Who?
Tony (shaking with rage and pointing at Clare): That, there, that creature!
Clare: And why shouldn't I be here? I'm here as a customer.
Tony: Maybe, but . . . I've just heard from the Licensed Victuallers Association about your letter of complaint to them and I've got only one thing to say to you.
Clare (fluttering her eyelashes): And I wonder what that would be?
Tony: GET OUT OF MY PUB!
Katie Mallett
No 3783 Set by John O'Byrne
Tony Blair was voted Worst Briton in a recent Channel 4 poll (ahead of the glamour model/singer Jordan and Lady Thatcher). Could we have an extract from an interview with a No 10 adviser in which an attempt is made to put a favourable spin on this.
Max 200 words by 6 June (to appear in issue dated 16 June). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
