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Competition No 3779

Set by John Crick, 28 April

We asked for cringe-making suggestions for books by or about celebrities.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Besides those who hit the right note over and over again, there were those who managed the odd brilliant singleton. I'm speaking about Ian Birchall (The Loan Arranger, about Peter Mandelson); Richard Lewis (You'll Never Talk Alone by Michael Parkinson); D A Prince (Out of Joint by Will Self); El Basilio (Yesterday's Man, about Paul McCartney); W J Webster (Winning on Points by Darcey Bussell); Lisbeth Rake (Putting on the Writs by Christine and Neil Hamilton); Michael Burgess (Steak Out by Linda McCartney); Robin Oakley-Hill (Hogwarts and All by J K Rowling); Katie Mallett (A Little Magician Goes a Long Way by Paul Daniels); Barbara Smoker (Face to Face by Michael Jackson); Steve Walters (Much Ragu About Nothing, the River Cafe story); and Sara Williams (2B or Not 2B by Chris Woodhead). Hon menshes to you all. I also realise that a few of you who sent in excellent singletons have not been mentioned by name: that is because one of the winners was thinking along the same lines as you. You will know who you are and will have to make do with awarding yourself an hon mensh in the privacy of your own home. Adrian Fry comes top, and so gets the Tesco vouchers, for his book on Robert Maxwell. £20 to all the winners.

Dr Christiaan Barnard. Aortabiography

The Virgin Mary. They Think He's All Ova

Noah. Things Can Only Get Wetter

Genghis Khan. One Steppe at a Time

Joan of Arc. I'm Singeing in Lorraine

Marquis de Sade. Classic SM

Charles Stewart Parnell. Trial and Eire

Alexander Fleming. Chemical Ally

Melanie Klein. Simply the Breast

Keith Richards. Angela's Hashish

Manuel Ballesteros. I Ain't Seve. He's My Brother

Ronaldo. The Boy's From Brazil

David Silverman

Nostradamus. The Foresight Saga

Vinnie Jones. Much Ado About Nutting

William Morris. The Hand-made's Tale

Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen. Laurence of Suburbia

Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards. Reach for the Skis

Paul Gascoigne. Lager than Life

Richard Ingrams. The Oldie Testament

Mozart. I'm a Deus!

David Attenborough. The Wildebeest Years

Robert Maxwell. About a Buoy

John Gummer. Beef Encounter

Adrian Fry

Rowan Atkinson. Just a Has-Bean

Will Carling. Ruck and Rule

Richard and Judy. Sofa, So Good

Meat Loaf. Heavy Mortal

Ozzy Osbourne. Chomping at the Bat

Brian Sewell. Going for Braque

Prince Charles. How Green Was My Valet

Rod Stewart. Blonde Date

Mary Whitehouse. Prude and Prejudice

Damien Hirst. Tanks for the Memory

The Earl of Essex. A Bit of Ruff

Roy Hattersley. Yorkshire Padding

John Prescott. Jagging It In

Vlad the Impaler. Stake and Kidney

Bill Greenwell

Gordon Sumner. The Man Born to Be Sting

Richard Wilson. To Victor the Spoils

Scott of the Antarctic. A Ridge Too Far

Angus Deayton. Little Did I Snow

Tracey Emin. The Chick and the Bed

Prince Andrew. Cool Hand Duke

Rick Stein. The Shellfish Gene

Robert Winston. A Can of Sperms

Jeffrey Archer. All Done and Busted?

Richard Dawkins. Needless to Pray

Anne Du Croz

No 3782 Set by George Cowley

Dr John Pridmore recently wrote in the Church Times: "Novels dealing overtly with theological issues rarely work." We'd like an extract from such a novel, set in contemporary times, which obviously doesn't work.

Max 200 words by 30 May (to appear in issue dated 9 June). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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