Competition No 3777
Set by Brendan O'Byrne on 14 April
We asked for homophones of existing words, plus their new definitions. We gave jestation as an example (that pregnant pause between the joke and punchline).
Report by Ms de Meaner
I loved them all. One or two people sent in some excellent singletons. These can have hon menshes - ideels: slippery, abstract concepts (Basil Ransome-Davies), beeday: a time for swilling out dirty hives (David Barton), tenchion: the tautness of a fishing line when a fish bites (Glen Byrne) and sinkronicity: the use of washbasins at the same time (Geoff Horton). £15 for Hodgson, Wilcox, Fry and Brummell. The rest can have a tenner. Crufts champion is Andrew Wilcox, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Chardonfreude: malicious enjoyment of someone else's Australian wine
Kantankerous: foul-tempered after a philosophical debate
Dermotitis: an allergic physical reaction to the Irish
Sensorship: banning of certain practices liable to lead to physical gratification
Bill Greenwell
Aceticism: abstention from vinegar
Amewsment: laughably small, hilariously expensive dwelling with a fashionable address
Commonplaice: dubious, fishy platitude
Conkniving: conspiring to stab someone in the back
Connewbial: not yet bored with marriage
Epiqueuer: one who is prepared to wait for a table at a good restaurant
Mimickry (offensive): insulting, racist stage-Irish accent
Pewberty: sudden adolescent enthusiasm for religion
Andrew Wilcox
Mailstrom: fury whipped up by self-righteously angry newspaper
Heirbrush: to write a relation out of one's will
Terrordactyl: poetic invective calculated to show that the pen is mightier
than the sword
Phewneral: sigh of relief at the end of a service of burial or cremation
Ozmosis: gradual Australianisation
Gnomansland: area populated by garden ornaments
Sheite: branch of Islam favouring women's rights
Rivercide: the killing of animals and plants through water pollution
Plebiseat: what people think about travelling in Standard
Nicholas Hodgson
Libidough: money made from the sex trade
Genialogy: the study of the development and preservation of cheerfulness
Fantasee: the illusory belief that a fan is waiting to see you
Whore-d'oeuvre: snack served to waiting customers in a brothel
M E Ault
Philosofa: a thinker who never leaves the couch
Marksism: the philosophy of shopping only at M&S
Borederline: the point in any long poem at which one loses interest
Wrecktangle: geometrists' term for motorway pile-up
Reigncloud: the pall of despair that will settle over England should Camilla Parker Bowles become Queen
Ba'athmat: that portion of Saddam's Republican Guard over which US tanks rolled on their way to Baghdad
Theatrickle: collective term for the later works of Harold Pinter
Menopaws: midlife crisis experienced by pets
Adrian Fry
Giration: a head-spinning effect induced by spending hours in Post Office queues
Fortytude: facing up to the onset of middle age
Altarcation: a disagreement between bride and groom over the choice of music for the church service
Staytion: a place from which trains once departed
Liebation: an alcoholic drink consumed but conveniently forgotten. Of five pints supped in the evening, two may later be admitted to spouse or police officer: the other three are liebations
Paul Brummell
Hipnotherapy: medical alternative to not getting a hip replacement
Fillanderer: an adulterer who has had enough
Rapsody: a Caribbean poem or song
Cellulight: pleasantly dimpled
Phallacy: a false implication concerning penis size
Gordon Gwilliams
Railery: friendly conversation between train-spotters
Muteny: dumb insolence
Jargone: last year's slang
Gerard Benson
Jerryatric: a sick, elderly German
Taksi: vehicle for reactionary and racist opinions
Fascion: dictatorship of style
Glowting: the sheen of self-satisfaction
Psychofancy: Hitchcock worship
G M Davis
No 3780 Set by George Cowley
We'd like an extract from the script of an episode of a TV soap called WestEnders.
Max 200 words by 16 May (to appear in issue dated 26 May). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
