Competition No 3776
Set by Carl Maxim, 7 April
Art criticism by ignoramuses.
Report by Ms de Meaner
I was extremely sad not to see Carl Maxim's entry (for the second time). If compers recall, back in February he had entered comp no 3766, and his 200 words were, as I pointed out, clearly an entry to another comp entirely. So, inspired by Mr Maxim, I decided to set it, and was expecting to see again those wonderful words about the Sistine Chapel: "Am I alone in asking the question: is it art?" But no such luck. And as I'd long ago filed it in the bin, I was unable to view it again up against all the others. Ah well. Hon menshes to John Marriott and Cynthia Hall. The winners get £20. The overall winner is David Silverman, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Dejeuner sur l'herbe by Manet
The title means "The grass is greener" and is a euphemism for wife-swapping. Manet was previously Monet, but he tired of painting haystacks and Rouen Cathedral and turned to more raunchy subjects - as in this picture and Olympia, which depicts a brothel in west London: with the change of style he changed his name. Manet was a great painter (as he was when he was Monet), but he couldn't paint figures. With his decision to paint sexier pictures, he had to master painting people, and practised diligently. Even with the extra effort, he could not paint more than a small group, and you will notice that he only painted up to four people in any picture. This picture is supposed to be of a large group of wife-swappers but he limited himself to two men and two women, and the viewer is meant to surmise that there are more to come. Modern wife-swappers (I've been told) drop their car keys in a pile and pair off according to who picks up which car keys. In those days, arrangements were clearly made by other random methods: in this picture you will see that the male on the right is flipping a coin.
Geoff Horton
Study After Velasquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X by Francis Bacon (1953)
Mr Bacon's triumph here is in bringing papal generosity of spirit - dare one say infallibility? - into the 20th century. Here is a paterfamilias who sits on the edge of his seat, who laughs uproariously at television, who worries about curtains, who has a walking-frame. The stern visage of the Velasquez has been replaced by a belch of amusement. Here is a Pope who will play trick-or-treat, and who thinks kindly of the white-knuckle ride of the waltzer or roller coaster. At the same time, he is careful to shut the safety gate. In fact, the whole image reminds the viewer of nothing so homely as a kind gentleman who has consented to ride a pedalo on a fairground "ghost ride", and who is obliging the camera by roaring. Mr Bacon is once again to be commended for the superb religious optimism of his canvases. These are works which could only have been executed by someone whose belief in the divinity of the Vatican's pontiff was tender, jolly, reasoned and, above all, secure in his passage to the next life.
Bill Greenwell
Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
It seems almost incredible to learn that this ceiling was decorated between 1508 and 1512. Less than five minutes to paint the whole lot! No wonder he's missed a bit in the corner. I expect someone - Julius Caesar probably - said: "Don't worry, Michael, you're the only one who'll notice it." Well, they were wrong. Just look at the crowds of people pointing up at it. Anyway, I think it needed at least a second coat - you can already see the cracks coming through. It looks like it hasn't been repainted for about 500 years! And no wonder. How is anyone supposed to match all those colours? Personally, I'd have Artexed it, with a light stipple or maybe with shell patterns. I'd have kept the colour simple: magnolia perhaps, or a nice pastel green, or Homebase lily white with a hint of pink. Also, the wallpaper doesn't match. Although to their credit, you can't see the joins, they've got Charlton Heston on one side and 12 people with long hair at the far end - looks like the Liverpool Cup-winning team from 1974.
David Silverman
Sunflowers by Van Gogh
Van Go, who gave his name to the famous transit rental firm, was totally spliffed out of his head most of the time, which is why his sunflowers look like his own ear, which he cut off when under the influence of powerful grenadine - you do not want to touch that stuff, it makes you blind - which could also explain why the petals on the flowers do not follow the sun around the room in good weather, which is what the artist obviously intended - you can tell by the way the stems bend. They should be bending towards the east, which is where the sun comes from, but instead they are all over the place, like totally spaced out. You get the same idea in Blake, who was a big influence - in fact he probably nicked the idea from him, as it was OK in those days to do that. That's Peter Blake the composer of course, right?
Josh Ekroy
No 3779 Set by John Crick
Trowel and Error is the title of Alan Titchmarsh's autobiography. We want similar cringe-making suggestions for other celebrities, living or dead or just surviving on past reputations.
As many goes as you like by 9 May (to appear in issue dated 19 May). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
