If my team can't pass these five tests, I'll be joining the Spuro-sceptics

That's it, then. Forty years before the mast, and I could be about to chuck it in. Just got back from Spurs, lovely sunny day, crowd in shorts, good-humoured, not like George Graham's reign, when they arrived in order to jeer. Today they waited till half-time, when Spurs were two down to Man City, before booing.

Around me, seats were empty 15 minutes before the end. On the way out, I saw a bloke in a Spurs shirt which said "MID-TABLE MEDIOCRITY". He'll be lucky.

So I have decided to apply my own version of Gordon Brown's five euro entry tests. If at the end of the season Spurs pass them, then fine, I'll join in next season. If not, not.

1 Is it economically advantageous following Spurs? They want £1,000 for my next season ticket, in advance, before a ball is kicked, for games up to a year ahead. What a cheek. Plus the huge cost of programmes, awful coffee, the drag of getting there, the hell of parking, four hours out of my life each game. Economically, it's a nonsense.

2 From a football point of view, is the team pleasurable to watch? At the beginning of the season, they did quite well, got surprisingly high in the league, then it all collapsed. They've been shite since, in Cups and the league.

3 What about individual players? Even when the team's been poor, which it mostly has (no league championship since 1961), there has usually been at least one player worth turning up to watch in the warm-up, such as Hoddle, Waddle, Gazza, Ginola. Now who is there? Sheringham is past it. Robbie Keane was exciting, early doors, now he's faded. That's it, basically.

4 The manager, has he done well with what he has? We were all so pleased when Hoddle arrived, King of White Hart Lane. Now he's revealed to be no more inspiring or successful than Christian Gross or George Graham. Players who had appeared quite good, like Stephen Carr, Simon Davies and Ledley King, have got worse not better, which is a terrible indictment of any manager. He's been about to sign 93 new players each week, none of whom has materialised. He is now said to have lost the dressing room. Whether true or not, on the pitch, he's clearly lost his touch.

5 Is there hope for the future? Probably get worse, because no half-decent player will want to join. Unlike Everton. They've been a similar mid-table, mediocre club these past few years, once in the so-called Top Five along with Spurs, one of nature's elites, so we all believed. They have suddenly zoomed forward this season, got themselves into gear. So have Newcastle United. And Blackburn. And Southampton. If they can do it, show some progress, so can Spurs, with its support, its traditions. If you don't move forward, if you remain mediocre, always managing the same sort of league position, you might appear to be safe, able to trundle along, till wham bam, you suddenly drop out of sight. Like Coventry.

So, those are my five criteria, which I intend to apply at the end of this season. Now you may say that it shouldn't work like that in football. (It probably won't work in politics, either. I bet Downing Street tries to put off the five economic tests for ever.) In football, you stick with your club, regardless. Suffering agony is part of the process, an enjoyment in itself. Being loyal, that's what matters most. All true. And I did admire Man City supporters during their years in the wilderness.

I did support Spurs when they were down in a lower division. Even went to away matches. But I'm getting old. I now want some pleasure, some fun in what's left of life. I find it increasingly hard to get up the energy for White Hart Lane, especially for midweek games. I'm not going off football. Not at all. And Spurs is still my team. But a live game on TV, with my feet up, seems more appealing than putting myself through all that faff, fuss, fuggin' misery.

To make it simple, I'm going to boil the five tests down to one, and I advise Gordon Brown to do similar. Last season, Spurs finished ninth. If they don't end this season higher, I'm not renewing my season ticket. Possibly, maybe . . .

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