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Competition No 3775

Set by Margaret Rogers, 31 March

David Aaronovitch defined psychotherapy as "colonic irrigation for the upstairs". We asked for definitions of other forms of medical treatments.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Perhaps I should have given more examples. What we didn't want were jokey plays on words, as in "Homoeopathy: a herbal treatment for homesickness", "Mastectomy: making a tit of yourself", "Leeches: who's the sucker?" or "Radiotherapy: In the Psychiatrist's Chair". Actually, I didn't mind plays on words, but the definition still had to be an insight that somehow got to the heart of the matter. Ian Birchall's "Vasectomy: brain surgery for journalists" hit the spot, but, sadly, his other entries didn't, so he'll have to make do with an hon mensh. Ditto Tony Black for "Keyhole surgery: practical voyeurism". £20 to the winners; the overall winner is Gerry Morrow, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Colonic irrigation: psychotherapy for the literal-minded.

Surgery: therapeutic equivalent of sending in the marines.

Weight reduction diet: triumph of hope over experience.

Cosmetic surgery: triumph of hope over gravity.

Homoeopathy: a little of what you didn't fancy does you good.

Large gin and tonic: quite a lot of what you fancy does you good.

Counselling: ex-secondhand car salesman exudes empathy, listens to you for half an hour, offers advice and charges you £30.

Psychotherapy: classy bloke in good suit exudes empathy, listens to you for half an hour, gets you to give yourself advice, and charges you £60.

Drug therapy: GP signs repeat prescriptions to keep the patient at bay.

T'ai chi: daily at 6am your lodger fights invisible warriors on the lawn in his underpants in slow motion.

Anne Du Croz

Amputation: radical chiropody.

Aromatherapy: pot pourri for the psyche.

Acupuncture: voodoo for the 21st century.

Reflexology: bastinado for beginners.

Reiki: advanced walletectomy (a panacea for all ills).

Hypnotherapy: if you want to feel better, dream on.

Physiotherapy: poor man's chiropractice.

Crystal therapy: feng shui for the soul.

Music therapy: Mozart for movement, Beethoven for the bowels, Mantovani for the memory, Craig David for deafness.

Craniosacral therapy: the message is in the massage.

Occupational therapy: the fine art of job reinvention as circumstances dictate.

General practice: pleasing all the people, all the time.

Anaesthetics: sending people to sleep as a career move.

Gerry Morrow

Hypnotherapy: Mogadon for the will.

Regressive hypnotherapy: digging holes in the psyche.

Physiotherapy: physical torture.

Reflexology: getting to the sole root of pain.

Aromatherapy: the smell of good health.

Chiropody: a retread for the feet.

Osteopathy: bones of contortion.

Acupuncture: giving pain the needle.

Hydrotherapy: water on the pain.

Occupational therapy: wicker world.

Aversion therapy: the medical turn off.

Electrotherapy: shocking treatment!

Katie Mallett

Reflexology: what goes around comes around

Osteopathy: mugging you can afford

Occupational therapy: the raffia mafia

Scientology: Mother Hubbard's snake oil

Primal scream therapy: womb service

Aromatherapy: smells and spells

Chemotherapy: hair today, gone tomorrow

Hypnotherapy: shall we trance?

Psychoanalysis: up against the wall, motherfucker

Aversion therapy: the Smirnoff turn-off

Basil Ransome-Davies

Colonic irrigation: psychotherapy for the downstairs.

Chiropractic: a spectacular crack and you're crippled . . . or sometimes cured.

Homoeopathy: a treatment that closely follows the Hippocratic principle of "first do no harm" by giving drugs in undetectable quantities, but doesn't do any good either.

Reflexology: a treatment that allows a practitioner to have a beneficial effect on any part of your body through your feet, any part, that is, except your feet.

Psychodrama: a treatment in which your father is a chair and your mother a cushion.

Acupressure: acupuncture for those with needle phobia.

Massage: best done by someone you know intimately and have no secrets from or by someone you will never ever see again.

Geoff Horton

No 3778 Set by Margaret Rogers

An Observer poll of young people last year (11-21 years) reveals that 61 per cent do not trust politicians. Perhaps they do not fully comprehend what politics is about. Could we enlighten them by explaining.

Max 200 words by 1 May (to appear in issue dated 12 May). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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