Competition No 3769
Set by Margaret Rogers, 17 February
Instead of having famous guests on her show The Weakest Link, Anne Robinson gets to present their shows.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Oh, but you loved this comp! Actually, so did I. I suddenly realised how much more fun it would be if a mass of Anne clones got out there and boogied. I rather liked her being a weathergirl ("Norfolk: Who lives there? Nobody. Dull. Flat. Icy gales straight from Siberia. 3C" - Anne Du Croz). A pity there wasn't more room. £20 to the winners. And the special "top-up" prize of Tesco vouchers goes to Michael Cregan.
The Life of Mammals
So, mammals. They've put up a pretty pathetic show, haven't they? Giant pandas can't even manage to reproduce themselves, for heaven's sake. Elephants aren't much better. It's said they never forget, but what have they done worth remembering? And what's so great about the camouflage of a zebra? True, I've never seen one in a barcode factory, but the jungle's a different matter. And Darwin is interestingly silent on the fact that tigers look far better as rugs than they ever do alive. Is that evolution? Wolves, supposed to be vicious, are they? They've never bothered me. Unlike badgers: the only protected species more numerous than the namby-pamby activists protecting hem. And as for whales, they're not really mammals at all, just obese fish. No, man is the superior mammal, though when I say man I mean women and when I say women I mean me. There. Mammals. Join me next week when I look at lizards to establish just who is the weakest skink, goodbye!
Adrian Fry
Anne: Welcome to Newsnight. Round the table are three members of the cabinet. They don't like each other, but to survive they'll have to work as a team. Hopefully they'll all leave with nothing. Gordon, how many hospitals could you build for the cost of a war on Iraq?
Gordon: Three hundred and twenty.
Anne: Correct. John, was the Falklands war justified?
John: No. But then later, yes.
Anne: I have to take your first answer. Tony, how many of your 1997 election pledges have you fulfilled?
Tony: Well, it depends what you mean . . .
Anne: I ask the questions. That round was pretty disastrous. You failed to bank any money at all. So who is the bonehead who's leading the government to disaster? The polls show that it's you, Tony, who can't answer any questions at all. What have you got to say for yourself?
Tony: I'm a pretty straightforward kind of guy.
Anne: Then why do you give the impression you're lying through your teeth? Do you always do what George tells you?
Tony: What you have to understand is the important relationship of mutual . . .
Anne: Shut up. Tony, you are the weakest link, goodbye!
Ian Birchall
Songs of Praise
Anne: Jim, you're the verger, aren't you?
Jim: Yes, Anne.
Anne: Verging on the ridiculous, wouldn't you say?
Jim: I . . .
Anne: Who's one Gospel short of a testament? Who's got no baptismal water in his font?
Jim: Me, Anne.
Anne: Quite. You are the weakest link.
Congregation: Amen.
Vicar: Now, being a seaport parish, we shall sing hymn number 13, "For Those in Peril on the Sea", which . . .
Anne: Now, that's not right, is it?
Vicar: Pardon?
Anne: It's not "For Those in Peril on the Sea", is it? The correct title is "Almighty Father Strong to Save", isn't it?
Vicar: Oh yes. A forgivable error.
Anne: Not by me, it isn't. I pronounce you anathema, goodbye. Well, that's all for this week. Next week we're in Minehead, where I'll be talking to, among others, a lifeguard who can't swim.
Michael Cregan
BBC Six O'Clock News
Anne: Let's go over to Orla Guerin, our Middle East correspondent.
Orla: Thank you, Anne. Well, it's still very tense here and . . .
Anne: Tell me, Orla, what kind of a name is that anyway?
Orla: It's Irish, Anne. Anyway, as I was saying, here in Nablus . . .
Anne: Oh, so you're Irish, are you? And that funny accent, is that Irish too, or do you have a speech impediment?
Orla: No, Anne, it's an Irish acc . . .
Anne: Are you having a bad hair day, Orla? Or do busy Irish foreign correspondents like you not have time to brush their hair before coming on the air?
Orla: I . . . er . . . didn't consider it important what my hair looked like . . .
Anne: I think we can all see that, Orla.
Orla: Here in Nablus the tension is . . .
Anne: Anyway that's all we've got time for, Orla. Goodbye.
David Silverman
No 3772 Set by Michael
Cregan If you quit your job voluntarily, you don't automatically qualify for benefits. We want original and inventive ways in the form of a letter of advice on how to get the sack. Merely getting in late day after day might work, but as far as this comp goes, it won't count. Max 200 words by 21 March (to appear in issue dated 31 March). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
