Watching brief - Amanda Platell feels for Beck's bruised face
Published 24 February 2003
The great Becks v Fergie match was all about saving face. Beckham has to preserve the pouting good looks that turned him into the Liz Hurley of Old Trafford
On the morning after the war rally, the newspapers couldn't agree whether 750,000, one million, or two million people had marched on London. The stronger the paper's opposition to war, the larger the figure. With that as a guiding principle, it came as no surprise when the Prime Minister mentioned the rally in his monthly press briefing: he referred, rather ridiculously, to the "thousands of people" who had demonstrated.
Now we all know Tony Blair isn't listening to the British people. It is more surprising, however, that the newspapers aren't, either. The latest Guardian/ICM poll recorded the highest outright opposition to war, at 52 per cent. Yet the combined sales of the anti-war papers - the Sunday Mirror, the People and the Independent on Sunday - are only three million of a 14.5 million Sunday market, with 8.5 million going to the pro-war lobby. The daily figures are not dissimilar.
That Sunday was a day for newspapers to fly the flag, or burn it, and there were few surprises. I confess to having had some difficulty categorising the Sunday Sport's "boobs not bombs" position. And the Observer and the Guardian seem about as much at ease with each other these days as Jacques Chirac and our Tony. The former's view that "we must not rule out war" remains at odds with the consistently anti-war Guardian. The Mail on Sunday, like its daily sister, reflected the anxieties of a sceptical Middle England and took the opportunity to give Blair a good kicking over the failure of the public services.
How ironic that at a time when the Prime Minister most needs our trust, there is none. And just as faith in Blair's honesty and judgement hit an all-time low, up popped Cherie's lifestyle guru, Carole Caplin, with her fly-in-the-ointment documentary.
Caplin was distraught, she confided to the Mail on Sunday, for which she now writes a self-help column. She thought the BBC1 programme would be a sympathetic portrayal. I think the title - The Conman, His Lover and the Prime Minister's Wife - might have been a bit of a clue, Carole. It was secretly filmed during the furore over her fraudster lover Peter Foster and the purchase of those flats. And, one has to ask, just what did our happily married Prime Minister think he was doing calling a former topless model-turned-toxic mud masseuse three or four times a week at midnight to comfort her?
They say it's always fun until someone loses an eye. Try telling that to David Beckham. The Sun was first with the splash: "Fergie decks Becks", a story that was to grace the front page of every newspaper except the Financial Times the following morning. For those awaking from a coma, it involved Sir Alex Ferguson crossly kicking a football boot after Manchester United lost to Arsenal and inadvertently hitting Beckham above the eye. Sadly for the team, it was the only strike of the day. A manly tussle followed, which ended with Beckham reverting to 1998 World Cup form and spitting at his manager.
Beckham demanded an apology. More likely, he wanted some reassurance from his many sponsors, whose deals dwarf the £90,000 a week he gets from United. This was all about saving face, preserving the pouting good looks that turned Beckham into the Liz Hurley of Old Trafford. This footballer's face is worth more than his foot.
I predict Angus Deayton will win back our affections when his former mistress Stacy Herbert completes both her personal injury claim against him and a book about their affair, imaginatively entitled Floozy. Fear not, Angus, you will be saved by the Edwina Factor. The only thing the great British public hates more than a philanderer is the perfectly complicit mistress who then gets all sanctimonious and dumps on him.
I have always been a fan of David Aaronovitch. It was some time before I understood the joke at the Independent that he was the only journalist there paid by weight - I had always assumed this was a reference to his gravitas. Aaronovitch let himself down badly on Five News on the day congestion charges began. His fellow guest, the former Tory mayoral candidate Nikki Page, argued that the charges hit women hard, as many were fearful of using public transport after dark. His response was a sneering "bollocks", an attitude he maintained throughout the ill-tempered debate. Perhaps Aaronovitch had forgotten that only a few weeks ago, a young woman had her head caved in with a hammer after catching a night bus home. Women haven't.
Another PR triumph for Prince Charles. Our future king is gathering up the courage to ask Mummy if he can marry the woman he's been having sex with for the past 30 years. It is rumoured that a greater obstacle to the union will be Camilla herself, and who can blame her?
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