Competition No 3764

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne, 13 January

We asked for rewritten lines, spoken by fictional or real people, that would destroy the original intention.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Another massive postbag. Many of you didn't bother to say who those quoted were, as the quotes were pretty well-known. I have followed suit, but have added a few names who seemed to me to be a bit more obscure. Then there were those who managed to get one real zinger in your lists: and for those I created a special section for £5 book tokens, which will be going out to these singletons. The rest get the usual £20 cheques. The overall winner - Adrian Fry - gets the Tesco vouchers.

I have a dream - but heck, it's just a dream, probably never happen.

Basil Ransome-Davies

I am just going outside, and may be some time. Does anybody want anything?

Andrew Jackson

It is a far, far better thing that I do than I did last Tuesday.

Andrew Wilcox

So little done, so little to do.

Ron Rubin

Once a gentleman, always a liability.

M E Ault

Great God! This is an awful place. I shan't be coming here again.

Robin Oakley-Hill

Let there be light, bitter and mild.

Richard Cowley

Spend, spend, spend all your time checking the stock market.

There was no need to do any housework at all: after the first four years, I had a home help. (Quentin Crisp)

Veni, Vidi, Vick.

Here's looking at you, kids, and roses round the door.

When I hear anyone talk of culture, I reach for my Revolver . . . or Sergeant Pepper, at any rate. (Hanns Johst)

Mad, bad, and dangerous to no effect.

A rose is a rose is a rose is a daffodil.

All art is quite useless if you throw it away.

I believe it is peace for our time - peace with humour.

Bill Greenwell

Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed by so many to such greedy competing credit card companies.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to start wondering about Jesus Christ and Mohammed.

When a man is tired of London, he tries to get out of it at the weekend.

If you can't stand the heat, don't sit so near the fire.

Never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it's nearly always the bell-ringers practising.

Genius is 1 per cent inspiration and 99 per cent making the right connections.

Men seldom make passes at girls with empty glasses.

Don't live a little, live in Leeds.

Alanna Blake

We hold these truths to be self-evident,

That you'll wonder where the yellow went

When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent!

Put out the light, and then put out the cat.

In the beginning, God created the Heaven and Earth, the Universe and Outer Space with a GREAT BIG BANG!

Bugger Bognor, Bournemouth, Bangor, Pinner, Ongar . . .

Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must remain sneeringly dismissive.

Peter Snow

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is an achievable target. (Stalin)

Man is born free and everywhere he is in chain stores.

Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds and six, you'll be needing American Express.

I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. WLTM petite blonde with own income and GSOH.

When shall we three meet again? Next Wednesday at about sevenish suit anyone?

Of all the bars in all the cities in all the world, you had to walk into that big iron one in my garage.

Don't mention the Waughs!

Nobody ever lost money underestimating public services.

I think, therefore I am in the minority.

Adrian Fry

No 3767 Set by Leonora Casement

It's the usual one we set after Christmas, a little late this time, but that will have given you more quality moments to mull over the exact wording. We want thank-you letters for those ghastly Christmas presents that you hate but have to pretend that you've found a "use" for and are delighted with . . . but not so delighted that you get sent another/part two/more next year.

Max 200 words by 14 February (to appear in issue dated 24 February). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk