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Competition No 3763

Set by Leonora Casement, 6 January

You were asked , following Wiltshire County Council's attempt to make drivers drive more cautiously by removing the central white lines in certain areas, to come up with even more zany ideas to make roads safer and cut accidents.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Wow! Your suggestions certainly flooded in. You clearly all see yourselves as experts and have been longing to give "advice" to the authorities for years. A long -pent-up desire, I feel. Indeed, there has also been a marked influx of new entrants. One, a John Broughton, on revealing that this is his first attempt at the comp, writes: " . . . so don't be too cynical about the results". Cynical? Rude, perhaps, contemptuous. But cynical? Never. Actually, duckie, yours was quite excellent and so obviously in the right spirit that I feel sure Wilts CC will be on the phone to you as soon as this issue appears in the shops. Those of you who entered with lots of ideas suffered rather. When just one worked I couldn't really let it win (at 23 words) alongside a longer, 200-worder. Here are suggestions - spookily, two involve colour - from three such also-rans:

John O'Byrne: "A new purple light to signify that yellow is imminent, thereby providing speeding motorists with extra time to slow down before everything turns red."

Bill Greenwell: "Main roads to be painted magnolia, with markings in cerise, to induce a calming feeling of unostentatious well-being."

Ruth Lezard: "Tether real zebras to the side of the roads so when pedestrians want to cross they untie the animal and let it lead them through the traffic. Cars will stop in amazement."

So, well done, everybody. Hon menshes to the three above, and £20 to the winners. John Broughton is hereby named the safest driver, and also gets the vouchers.

1) Remove all kerbs. This will have the effect of ensuring that drivers will be unsure whether or not they are on the road, or in danger of hitting a pedestrian, and consequently causing damage to their vehicles and delaying arrival at their destination. This will result in a dramatic reduction in speed.

2) Remove all signposting. This will immediately cut the volume of traffic, as drivers will have no idea of where they are, so they will be extremely reluctant to actually start on their journeys. Savings to the council in costs of road repairs will be huge, as will increases in revenue for local bus companies.

3) Stop all road repairs. Although the county highways department has gone a long way towards this target already, a complete cessation of repairs will lead to a rapid deterioration of road surfaces all over the county, particularly on trunk roads and other routes used by HGVs. In a matter of weeks, our researchers suggest, it will be impossible to travel on any main road at more than walking pace without the driver causing serious damage to his vehicle. The council may like to consider a by-law ensuring that it is not responsible for any damage so caused. Councillors may like to consider their investment portfolios - looking critically at any holdings in insurance companies.

John Broughton

Recent research commissioned by the Department for Transport reveals that incorrect feng shui in the car may contribute to an estimated 37.5 per cent of road accidents. Erratic driving related to an imbalance of yin and yang can be reduced with some simple realignments. Kwik-Feng will give your car a free no-obligation Chi-check and provide a report detailing our recommendations for eliminating unfavourable cosmic energies and harmonising the inner life-space within your vehicle. George, a satisfied customer, drives a Ford Transit: "At first I missed the Playboy calendar, empty fag packets, Yorkie wrappers, "I Love West Ham" sticker and back numbers of Loaded, but these yang elements were stagnating the flow of chi. By replacing the Garfield and furry dice with a Hsing Fa turtle and phoenix, I am ensuring that these auspicious celestial creatures disperse beneficial cosmic energy in Basildon and throughout Essex."

David Silverman

Scrap all speed limits. But make some major changes to car-building regulations. Make seat belts illegal. Remove them from all cars. Ban air bags, and remove them from all cars. Replace the air bag with a nail bomb that will explode on sudden deceleration. Ensure that all steering columns are fitted with a nine-inch metal spike. The near certainty of death or maiming at the slightest accident or crash, or even having to brake to avoid a collision, will ensure that motorists, of their own volition, will drive at a maximum of 15mph and drastically cut down on road accidents.

Aled Thomas

Updating the principle of the dummy two-dimensional police cars once parked on motorway bridges, new holographic technology will be used to project lifelike images of highly dangerous road users - 4 x 4 lords of the road, macho truck drivers, high-performance freaks using mobile phones, drunken society women, road rage hill-billies, suicidal victims of amphetamine psychosis, hungry Italian tourists, etc - in a random sequence on all major highways. Backed with a full vocabulary of obscene words and gestures, their appearance will caution other motorists to observe the speed limit, be alert at all times and in general drive as safely as possible in order to avoid them, never knowing, so advanced is the system, which are real and which optically produced. The cost-effective benefits of the scheme have been fully certified by the council, and it has been welcomed by none other than Jeremy Clarkson.

Basil Ransome-Davies

No 3766 Set by George Cowley

Denis MacShane wrote in the New Statesman (6 January): "The art of reporting, describing and telling the story [in newspapers] has been sacrificed on the altar of opinion and pontification." Take any well-known news story (from history or from today's news) and give us an amusing example of this.

Max 200 words by 7 February (to appear in issue dated 17 February). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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