Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3762

Set by George Cowley, 16 December

We asked for exciting new ways/taxes for Gordon Brown to swell the party's coffers.

Report by Ms de Meaner

It was left to Anne Du Croz to ask whether we meant swelling the party's or the nation's coffers. Well, as we were unclear, my darlings, you certainly can't be penalised. Damn!

A large number sent in the equivalent of Andy Jackson's Oxygen Tax (an Air Tax, a Respiration Tax, even a Graduated Air Tax), so only one made it through. Hon menshes go to the Rotundity Charge (Adrian Fry), the Hat Tax (Len Horridge) and a new Paw Law (David Barton) - another one who hates animals. £20 to the winners; the top cat, J Seery, also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Oxygen Tax will be introduced from 1 April 2004, levied on intake of oxygen in the adult population, based on mean intake as defined by the Chief Scientist's Office. The rate of taxation will be based on a number of distinct categories of oxygen users, with high users in business, commerce and many other white-collar areas where a lot of unnecessary talking goes on being made accountable for their higher-than-average intake. Highly paid sports competitors will also fall into the top bracket, reflecting their excess aerobic levels during competition.

This tax will be a disincentive to smokers and drug-abusers, and to asylum-seekers, who have higher-than-average breathing rates due to respiratory complaints. Politicians and those involved with the arts (opera singers, brass/woodwind sections) will be exempt, and those living at altitudes of over 600 metres will receive an allowance due to thinner air.

Andy Jackson

The introduction of the Children's Charge is an important feature of the government's strategy to develop citizenship and civic responsibility among young people from an early age. The Treasury rejects accusations that the so-called "Doll Tax" is "piggy-bank robbery", claiming that taxing pocket money will not only raise an estimated £1.3bn per annum, but will enable young people to feel that they are contributing in a tangible way to the life of the nation. Payment of the charge will be enforced through imposition of fines for non-payment and for dissent, including crying or sulking. On the principle of "no taxation without representation", children from as young as two will be permitted to vote and stand for parliament. Although some are concerned about immature and disruptive behaviour in the House of Commons, it is argued that children are resilient and should not be unduly affected by this.

David Silverman

New Digestion Charge: Taxes on food at point of sale are prohibitive, as they discourage consumption. Best to impose a surcharge on the digestive system (to be called the Gullet Gains Charge?). Consumers would be unable to evade this, otherwise they would become liable to VAT (Vomiting Added Tax). It's alimentary economics!

Baby Registration Tax: We have death duties, so why not birth duties? To enter the country, you could be levied at parturition. As soon as a head appears, an official in the delivery room will estimate weight and impose an ad valorem compulsory financial contribution on the mother (the bearer). If she is unwilling to pay, the infant will not be provided with a birth certificate - and the consequences of that are obvious!

Competition Prize Levy: It has come to the attention of the Inland Revenue that a sizeable group of citizens is in receipt of surplus profits from magazine competitions. These "earnings" have never been declared as income. The monies are quite substantial when measured against the minuscule effort expended (it's known in the trade as "money for old jokes").

John O'Byrne

1: Triple the VAT rate on the services of lifestyle gurus.

2: Put the entire nation into a blind trust.

3: Nationalise the syndicated rights to royal scandals.

4: Allow Prime Ministerial spouses to wear exotic, ethnic costumes in public, whether authentic or not, upon payment of a premium equivalent to the average price of a Bristol flat.

5: Close tax loopholes as if they were rural post offices, bus services and council homes for the elderly.

6: Deprive public schools - at least those to which current members of the cabinet are not sending their children - of charitable status.

. . . and to swell new Labour coffers:

7: For a fee, issue certificates to donors to party funds signifying that the donor:

a) has not been caught trying to wreck the British steel industry; b) is not a press baron; c) is not domiciled in Belize; d) is not under investigation in the Indian subcontinent for corruption; e) does not further the consumption of carcinogenic substances or the supply of pornography.

J Seery

Treasury shortfalls will be a thing of the past with new Labour's modernised Rights Purchasing Scheme, which, while avoiding any increase in income tax or VAT, offers UK citizens - our customers - the opportunity to invest in a significant measure of social empowerment while enlarging consumer choice.

The first part of the scheme to be implemented will be Degree Enhancement. To modernise higher education means radical, progressive change, replacing the simplistic concept of "getting what you deserve" by active degree merchandising on a sliding scale from an aegrotat to a starred First. Eventually it will be extended to postgraduate qualifications, meaning that you will be able to call yourself "Doctor" for the cost of a second-hand car if you choose chemistry, or the price of a second home in the case of business management and risk finance.

G M Davis

No 3765 Set by Margaret Rogers

A recent leader in the Observer referred to that "unique mixture of proud hyperbole and false modesty" that characterises the Christmas newsletters received in the post in December. We want a revealing annual newsletter from someone in the public eye (fictional or actual) in the 21st century.

Max 200 words by 31 January (to appear in issue dated 10 February). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website