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Competition No 3761

Set by Margaret Rogers, 9 December

"What would Jesus drive?" ask God-bothering environmentalists in the US. We asked you to supply answers, or supply further icons if Jesus didn't inspire you.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well, we had all the usual jokes: he would drive "the money-lenders from the temple" (Kimmo Muttonen), or "out sin" (J Seery). How I laughed! So, £20 to the winners; hon menshes to John Griffiths-Colby and David Silverman; the top dog, Michael Cregan, also gets the vouchers.

The Top 20 box makes its annual appearance. Will Bellenger remained at the number one slot until the end, but is now sadly no more. A warm welcome to John Griffiths-Colby, Bruce W Alter and Paul Brummell. Those who didn't make it into the box are as follows: 21 Derek Morgan; 22 J Seery; =23 Andy Jackson/Katie Mallett; =25 Prue Sheldon/ M E Ault; =27 John Nye/Sid Field/Philip Wilson; 30 Gerard Benson. Pats all round.

The Bible tells us that it was Uzziah who "made in Jerusalem engines, invented by cunning men" (II Chronicles 26:15) and that in Babylon, "search was made in the house of the rolls" (Ezra 6:1). And it is Job who reminds us that "Surely there is a vein for the silver" (Job 28:1), while Ezekiel speaks of how "the spirit of the living creature was in the wheels" (Ezekiel 1:20). And so when the evangelist Luke tells us that "they shall see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory" (Luke 21:26), we know that Jesus would have driven a Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud, albeit adapted to lead-free petrol, since "except ye be converted . . . ye shall not enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3), and covering twice the normal distance - "whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain" (Matthew 5:41).

Bill Greenwell

George Monbiot would be found driving a carefully restored but highly unreliable old red London Routemaster bus, repainted green and converted to run on biodiesel. A folk-singing yokel wearing a traditional unbleached-linen farm labourer's smock would dispense tickets from an antique wind-and-pull machine hung round his neck. Passengers, coerced into leaving their cars at home, would pay high fares. The bus would leave at inconvenient times, and go to inconvenient places, and there would be a lot of standing about in the rain, but in compensation travellers would be encouraged to feel morally superior. During unscheduled stops, Monbiot would descend and lecture everyone on the evils of supermarkets, choice and cheap food, and on the benefits of a return to small-scale, low-tech, labour-intensive, peasant agriculture. All passengers would then be given a measly, misshapen, sour, scabby, organic apple, complete with authentic non-sprayed maggot hole . . . and they would be required to eat it.

Anne Du Croz

Karl Marx: An experimental three-stroke (thesis-antithesis-synthesis) model, the Transcendence. Widely advertised as the "inevitable car of the future" and initially successful, with major adaptations, in overseas markets, it is prone to break down and spare parts are in extremely short supply.

Charles Darwin: The Evolvo, a vehicle derived, after lengthy research and development projects including radical design changes, from a rudimentary submarine. Despite attacks from critics who find it "over-engineered", it remains a popular choice.

Sigmund Freud: A Psycho, the sophisticated "dream car" whose specifications and performance have been endlessly refined, prompting numerous, cruder "copycat" models from rival manufacturers. Huge running costs and expensive to maintain, as only highly qualified mechanics can diagnose and rectify any problems or defects.

Michael Jackson: A vintage roadster regularly renovated with fresh bodywork, fascia, trim and upholstery, giving it a bizarre appearance and threatening total mechanical failure as it ages.

Basil Ransome-Davies

What car would Jesus drive? Jesus? Drive?

He wouldn't drive at all, he'd be out there on the open road, a volume of Ginsberg in one pocket of his jeans, in the other a selection of Buddhist wisdom, written on a faded scrap of paper, a gift from a lonesome hobo met in an empty boxcar when jumping a freight train rattling on down to the Rocky mountains.

That's where Jesus would be, out there on the edge of that highway, thumb outstretched, a crazy traveller on the road of life. And when someone stopped, Jesus wouldn't care what car it was. He'd say: "Blessed are those who are rolling on down to New Orleans. Let's go, man." Jesus, drive? No, he'd just be too beat, daddy-oh!

Michael Cregan

No 3764 Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for dwarf or child, or very small woman." We want famous lines spoken by real people or in fiction which, rewritten, destroy the original intention with a vengeance.

As many goes as you like by 24 January (to appear in issue dated 3 February). E-mail: comp@ newstatesman.co.uk

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