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Competition No 3760

Set by John O'Byrne on 2 December

We asked for wrong-headed reviews that failed to understand what they were reviewing.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Excellent - I laughed so much that the after-effects of too much eating and drinking (self-hatred, indigestion) disappeared as if by magic. Hon menshes to Susan Therkelsen, J Seery and Will Bellenger. £20 to the winners; the overall winner, David Silverman, also gets the vouchers. Oh, and will Paul Francis send in his address for the Burrell comp. Thanks.

White Teeth by Zadie Smith

Readers of Dental Hygiene Monthly will find this book, like its infamous predecessor The Mill on the Floss, deeply disappointing. In an otherwise intriguing study of genetics and culture, Smith inexplicably fails to come off the fence regarding the aetiology of dental discolouration, decay and differential susceptibility to plaque. Although she gives strong hints concerning the possibility of gene therapy, Smith's equally strong emphasis on cultural mores renders her contribution to the nature-nurture debate, as applied to dental hygiene, negligible or at best essentially ambiguous. Significantly, in 542 pages, we wait in vain for one of Smith's characters to mention hydro-fluoridation, let alone visit a dental hygienist. Since to my knowledge there are at least three perfectly reputable practitioners in Cricklewood Broadway alone, this is clearly negligent. Does the tight-lipped photo of the author on the cover indicate that Ms Smith has something to hide?

David Silverman

The Last Diaries: in and out of the wilderness (The Alan Clark diaries, volume 3)

They were great days, indeed - although England weren't doing well in Europe, Alan was one of the most fearsome opponents on the domestic scene and had a reputation for tearing defences to shreds with his withering attacks. Clark's latter days are recounted with some vigour, though he now bears no resemblance to the man I watched for so long and was so in awe of. The Times rated him "in the Samuel Pepys [who he?] class", although I was surprised to see how much Clark had changed direction since his days at the top. I really must read the first two volumes and relive those magical mid-1970s days when his Leeds United career was at its height. I wonder what made "Sniffer" get involved with such a shabby bunch of political no-hopers?

Andy Jackson

Celebrity Big Brother

This television adaptation of Orwell's classic was innovative, but ultimately disappointing. Our eponymous hero - here renamed "Les" - was portrayed as a self-pitying loner, without personality. The familiar cast of other characters was crammed on to the claustrophobic set: the overgrown Boy Scout "Anne" (Parsons), the sexually provocative "Melinda" (Julia) and the sympathetic executioner "Davina" (O'Brien). Once the subversive "Goldie" (Goldstein) had been despatched, the play focused too much on the stultifying monotony of life under totalitarian control. The final humiliating public confession by the "Les" (as Winston) character reduced adaptation into farce. Room 101 for all concerned.

Neil Rennick

No 3763 Set by Leonora Casement

Wiltshire Council is removing the central white lines on some roads, in an experiment "to create a feeling of uncertainty in drivers so they drive more cautiously". Could we have more zany ideas for safer roads, plus how they will work, to send to the council's traffic and road safety department.

Max 150 words by 17 January (to appear in issue dated 27 January). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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