Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3759

Set by Gerald Windsor on 25 November

Readers were asked to look on the bright side of life ("Cheer up, Mr Bader, at least your wife can't complain about your hairy legs . . . ").

Report by Ms de Meaner

Cool. I was sad at losing the commiserations to Baby Jesus from Andy Jackson, this being the Christmas issue. He'll have to be happy with an hon mensh instead. £20 to the winners. The overall Xmas winner - Katie Mallett - also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Dear Gregor, Don't despair, you are almost certainly better off as a cockroach. The advantages are endless. No worries about traffic jams, deadlines, team meetings, strategic action plans, Powerpoint presentations when the laptop crashes, queues at the checkouts in Tesco's - I could go on. Spanish hotel rooms will be a positive pleasure. Together with termites, you are one of the species that possess symbiotic protozoa in your gut, something that precious few of us can boast of. Most importantly, however, "cockroaches have a very high resistance to radiation, making them the only creatures likely to survive a nuclear holocaust". Hang in there, Greg.

David Silverman

My dear Usher, I read your letter with sympathy. But chin up, old mate! Sure, the old house is in a bad state. But remember, the housing market is depressed right now - and anyway, I can't really see you in some cheap and cheerful bedsit, can you! Still, the old nerves, eh? Everything but certain peculiar sounds of stringed instruments inspires you with horror? Well, if you heard today's pop music, you'd know you're not missing much! The odour of all flowers oppressive? But then, isn't aromatherapy a mere pseudo-science? Only the most insipid foods are endurable? Good - no unhealthy junk meals for you! And as for your sister becoming cataleptic, at least that's ensuring a bit of peace and quiet around the place, eh!! Tell you what - I'll come and visit you! I'm sure we'll have a great time!!

Michael Cregan

Look Guy, I know it's rotten that you've been caught, and will probably end up being tortured and executed. But just think what would have happened if you'd succeeded. For a start, I don't believe it was your plot, really, but now you're the one paying the price; the event, or non-event, will be remembered as all your doing. Robert Gatesby? Who he? This is what people will say in centuries to come, whereas had the big bang taken place, his would have been the name in lights and you a mere minor player. In fact, you'd probably have been blown sky high and nobody would know anything about you at all. As it is, think of the glory. There'll be poems about you and bonfires and firework parties every year.

Katie Mallett

Dear Mr Rowe, "Guitar groups are on their way out," you said to Brian Epstein. Absolutely! Look at Madonna, the Human League, Father Abraham and his Smurfs - not a guitar in sight. You were way ahead of your time. And could you really have put up with all that palaver with John saying they were bigger than Jesus? Those Yanks would have had your guts for garters! And all those drugs! If you weren't looking, they'd have slipped LSD into your gin, for sure. And would you really have wanted to be the Chutney Dodo in their bloody Turquoise Hydrofoil - or whatever it was - while they sucked up to a guru who didn't even know his Kinks from his Dave Clark Five? Take it from me, Dick, you were well out of all that.

Dan Rubinstein

No 3762 Set by George Cowley

We want exciting new ways/taxes/whatever for G Brown to swell new Labour's coffers.

Max 150 words by 10 January (to appear in issue dated 20 January). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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