Competition No 3758
Set by Margaret Rogers on 18 November
You were asked for limericks on the events surrounding the trial of Paul Burrell.
Report by Ms de Meaner
The biggest postbag of the year! And so many of you don't seem to appreciate exactly what a limerick is or how it scans. £10 all round; G M Davis, the top dog, also gets the vouchers.
The Paul Burrell trial, on reflection,
Was a case born of sloppy detection,
But who will assess
Just who should possess
This alternative Burrell Collection?
Georgia O'Neill
He read from her personal psalter,
And knelt at her rail, at her altar -
How British the stock
Of her very own Rock!
(Could we not do a trade for Gibraltar?)
Will Bellenger
Whodunnit? The butler, some said.
Or the Prince. Or the woman he wed.
The Beckhams. The papers.
The Buckingham capers.
Whatever. The monarchy's dead.
Philip Wilson
What a lovely old thing is the Queen,
Though a trifle forgetful, I ween.
Still, there must be so much
To be thought of and such
In that busy and active old bean.
Basil Ransome-Davies
If he keeps his hand steady all day,
A butler gets nought but his pay,
But a shaky hand means
He might spill a few beans,
And be looking at 300k.
Keith Norman
Her landscape was littered with Rocks
Who got sexual thrills from her frocks.
Their amours with each other
Beat even Big Brother.
That's enough. Please don't mention That Box.
D A Prince
A butler's prime duty's to buttle,
Show tact and discretion, be subtle,
Not hustle breakneck
At the drop of a cheque
To where kissers and tellers all scuttle.
G M Davis
There once was a butler who coughed
(Though some colleagues quite gaily just scoffed)
To His Britannic Queen,
Soon as Di left the scene,
That he'd stacks of her stuff in his loft.
David Barton
Said the Queen: "From reliable sources,
One learns of mysterious forces;
But frankly, we're sure
Our position's secure:
Just don't let them frighten the horses!"
Watson Weeks
I'm sorry it's all such a mess.
There's a photo of me in a dress.
And . . . somewhere . . . a tape
Which alleges a rape . . .
That was lent to me by the princess.
Paul Francis
No 3761 Set by Margaret Rogers
"What would Jesus drive?" is a question asked by God-bothering environmentalists in the US. Could we have answers, please. You may substitute the names of other icons, with explanations. Max 150 words by 3 January (to appear in issue dated 13 January).
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
