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Competition No 3755

Set by Dipak Ghosh on 28 October

We asked for ideas for a new Bond movie, including some unlikely product placements.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. Hon menshes to Michael Cregan ("Ah, a deep pile from the Carpet Warehouse to muffle my tread"), David Silverman, John O'Byrne and Paul Brummell. The winners all get £20. DA Prince also gets the vouchers.

Blofeld's global domination plan is to envelope the world in Terram matting, precluding all life other than that supported by his own-brand plug-in fragrance. Using only his Screwfix multi-tool, Bond infiltrates Blofeld's Terram plant in Papeete. Captured, he turns to uPVC-fitter-turned-double-agent, Ms Scru Itup. Her plan is to ring-fence the death plant in MDF, resulting in a critical mass sufficient to turn the matting into rubber gloves. However, Bond suspects she will disadvantage generations by ruthlessly marketing Stakeholder pensions; with MDF gone, all disposable income will go her way. Bond diverts the processing flow on to the MDF - and harmless plastic-coated boards spew forth, whose only use is as a roofing material for the poor. Driven suicidally insane, Itup throws herself into Bond's in-car George Foreman Grill while Blofeld escapes on a tweaked Sinclair C5. Bond seduces the Oxfam "Roof the World" representative.

John Griffiths-Colby

007 Cleans Up

Setting: Middle East dictatorship, with weapons of mass destruction. So far, Bond, disguised as contract cleaner with Bissell carpet-sweeper and can of Pledge, has penetrated HQ (using WD-40 and Brabantia tin-opener); now facing The Evil One (TEO).

Action: Bond insouciant/arrogant, pulling on Marigold rubber gloves, and flexing fingers . . . TEO fearful/aggressive. Bond, demanding cleaner world, produces Domestos, plus Jiffy cloth. Jasmine (Bond's glamorous assistant) shoots TEO. Embrace and camera lingers on Bond's pocket Stain Devil. Jasmine strokes his Marigolds - together they stand over body/desk. TEO carried to nearby cupboard - Ikea catalogue visible inside, as doors close - kicked twice to shut. Bond wipes phone with Dettol, speaks into receiver as Jasmine cleans walls/desk with Mr Muscle. (Camera lingers on stroking movements and squirting of

cleansing agents.) PizzaExpress delivery arrives.

D A Prince

James Bond in "Eurofinger"

An evil terrorist plans to create chaos throughout Europe by keeping Britain out of the eurozone and preventing the dashing British Prime Minister, Tony Dare, from becoming the Continent's first elected president. Bond is assigned to protect Dare as he campaigns in Europe's glamorous cities. Back in London, Bond is injured by one of Eurofinger's henchmen, but his life is saved thanks to the prompt treatment he receives at a PFI-funded hospital. He then takes advantage of increased investment in the Tube under PPP by travelling efficiently and comfortably to Buckingham Palace, just in time to help Dare save the Queen from kidnappers. Finally, Bond thwarts an attempt to rig the euro referendum and throws Eurofinger from the top of the London Eye. The UK votes to join the euro, Dare secures the presidency by a landslide, and Europe is safe. (Copyright A Campbell.)

R Ewing

No 3758(b) Set by Margaret Rogers

Can we have limericks to celebrate or commemorate the Burrell affair.

There was an old Queenie of Brit.

Who talked to a butler, to wit:

He told her his news/He heard of her views,

And she never once asked him to sit.

Max 150 words by 29 November (to appear in issue dated 9 December) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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