Competition No 3754
Set by Stephen Hackett on 21 October
We asked for test questions to show you qualified as a reader to a magazine.
Report by Ms de Meaner
First, many apologies for setting no 3758 last week (it should, as many of you have pointed out, been no 3756). I realise that this will mean two 3758s, but don't worry. This week's top winner is Michael Cregan, who also gets the vouchers. All three get £20.
The Beano selection examination
a) You write an article alleging that Billy Whizz's speed is due to the use of illegal drugs and he sues you for libel. Outline your defence to the High Court.
b) What is the current cost of a dog licence for Dennis the Menace's Gnasher?
c) Specify a theoretical situation in which Roger the Dodger couldn't dodge.
d) Does the disappearance of Brillo the Bear indicate a reduced commitment to anthropomorphism?
e) Name five of the Bash Street Kids.
f) Dennis the Menace should be served with an Antisocial Behaviour Order. Discuss.
g) Is Minnie the Minx symptomatic of a general breakdown of the family structure today?
h) How far does Freddie Fear, Son of a Witch, reflect the persistence of the supernatural into an age of scepticism?
i) Give ten excruciating puns we can include in our next issue.
Michael Cregan
Questions for aspiring Fortean Times readers
What causes crop circles? a) Unusual wind patterns, b) Well-organised hoaxers, c) Unexplained phenomena involving aliens.
What is the statistical probability of a man winning the lottery and dying the same day?
a) 1,000-1, b) 100,000,000-1, c) There may be other factors at work which mean these events are not coincidental.
Manchester City FC have failed to achieve success in the English Premiership. Why?
a) Managers with poor tactical expertise, b) Financial problems, c) A gypsy curse dating back to the 1940s.
Who killed President Kennedy? a) Lee Harvey Oswald, b) Lyndon B Johnson, c) A renegade Ku-Klux-Klan cell from within the CIA covert operations department.
Tony Blair is: a) A centre-left socialist, b) A moderate Thatcherite, c) A replicant.
Andy Jackson
Horse & Hound reader eligibility test
After having ridden to work in town, where would you leave your mount? a) Tied to a railing outside an NCP carpark, b) Hobbled in Hyde Park, c) Knightsbridge Livery Stable.
How much does your riding cost you per annum? a) £50, b) £500, c) No idea.
What would you do with a pastern? a) Eat it, b) Paint it, c) Groom it.
What is a point to point? a) A term in fencing, b) The shortest distance between A and B, c) A cross-country race.
What is The Quorn? a) A vegetarian beefburger, b) The minimum number of persons required for the transaction of business in a committee, c) The Leicestershire Hunt.
What is a Barbour? a) A gentleman's hairdresser, b) A desert nomad, c) A waxed coat.
David Barton
No 3757 Set by George Cowley
Could we have a totally unsuitable application for the post of deputy literary and arts editor of the New Statesman?
Max 150 words by 22 November (to appear in issue dated 2 December)
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
