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Competition

Published 28 October 2002

Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3752

Set by Keith Norman on 7 October

Barry Norman never said "And why not?"; Jim Callaghan never said "Crisis? What crisis?" We asked for quotes for well-known people that they really ought to have said, or as we put it: quotes that make them sound more like themselves than they really are.

Report by Ms de Meaner

A lot of you sent in quotes wherein the humour lay in the subjects' revealing themselves as totally different from how they really are. Eg, Alan Titchmarsh: "You know, gardening isn't everything" or Jeremy Paxman: "I've never given anyone a rough ride." Another comp, another dollar, I feel, dear hearts. This week the winners get £10 each, the singletons a £5 token. The overall winner - Corvix Corum - also gets the vouchers.

Saddam Hussein: Another Sunni day.

Edwina Currie: He was pants.

John Major: She very considerably egged me on.

Anne Du Croz

Tony Blair: Labour Party members? What Labour Party members?

George Bush: We shall destroy Bin Laden alive or dead.

John Prescott: We only start wars when we are the aggressors.

Ian Birchall

Edwina Currie: He loves me not, he loves me not, he loves me not, he loves me not.

Michael Cregan

Will Self: Icteric, sarmentose, homozygosis . . .

Roy Keane: ******* ***** *** ******* ****.

John O'Byrne

Edwina Currie: Are those eggs in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

Jeffrey Archer: Rules? What rules?

G M Davis

Max Clifford: I hate self-publicists.

Iain Duncan Smith: Well, a lot of Conservatives are going to get a nasty shock.

Sid Field

Margaret Thatcher: Gotcha!

JFK: Ich bin ein womaniser.

Ronald Reagan: I know it's true. I read it on an autoclave.

John Major: Oh, yes, yes, yes, YES.

John Griffiths-Colby

Shere Hite: You've put your finger on it.

Will Bellenger

Ayatollah Khomeini (issuing the fatwa): Pour decourager les auteurs.

Ayatollah Khomeini: Cold weather is Allah's way of telling us to burn more books.

Enoch Powell: Any colour you like as long as it's white.

Corvix Corum

Jeffrey Archer: Of course I tell tales. I'm a novelist.

Katie Mallett

Alan Clark: I did have sexual relations with that woman.

Kevin Smith

Slobodan Milosevic: As I was slaying . . .

Iain Duncan Smith: Politics will never be about personalities while I'm leader.

Adrian Fry

No 3755 Set by Dipak Ghosh

James Bond movies are increasingly becoming vehicles for product placement. Send suggestions for the plot of a new Bond movie which includes a number of unlikely product placement ideas.

Max 150 words by 8 November (to appear in issue dated 18 November) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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