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Competition No 3750

Set by George Cowley on 23 September

George Bush and Tony Blair get blind drunk and let their hair down.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Pas mal. I tend to forget when I set play-type comps of this sort that I can't publish too many. Still, you all had a ball - and it attracted some people I'd never heard of before. Welcome to all first-timers! An hon mensh to Adrian Fry for: "This is gonna be my finest hour, Tony. You, but mostly me, standing alone together against the might of the whole Moslamic world. Like Churchill and Rozencrantz." £20 each to all below. The winner, David Silverman, also gets the vouchers.

- The war on trrrrrshm must continue, Tony ole buddy . . .

- Acshlly, I'm with you there, Georgie. They come over here, gawping at our monuments and taking pictures . . . Tough on tourishm, tough on the causes of tourishm, I say . . . and those who harbour them. Like . . . er . . . taxis?

- Yessireee. Read mah lips, Tony: No new taxish. We have to deal with trrrrrmsus wherever we find them.

- Tough on tiramisu, tough on the causes of tiramisu. Thatsh what I say, Mr Preshident. And those who harbour them.

- Yup, like Eye-talians.

- And Sainsbury's. They already have the chemical capability to build a pretty nasty tiramisu in about 45 seconds. We must shtop them.

- And Saddaaaaarm Hussein. We need regime change, Tony.

- Exactly. I shay bring back Atherton or make Stewart captain.

- Excuse me?

- Oh that regime! You mean tough on dictatorships, tough on the causes of dictatorships?

- Yup . . .

- Like, erm acshlly . . . us?

David Silverman

- George? . . . Wha'time isit?

- Timeta stannup'n be counted! Doo not forsake me, O my darlin' . . .

- 'Sa speshal re-la-tion-ship, George. Whaddi'm sayin' to you . . .

- Ma daddy saidda me . . . shoulda taken'im out . . . Saddam Hoosein . . . Poodie-poodie saidda me . . . wegodda whup them mooslemen's terrrrst asses . . .

- I b'leeve . . . I b'leeve . . .

- Soddo I Tony . . . Aaaahmazing Grace . . . an' so does ma wunnerful nashnul scurity principalest strategial . . . Ah . . . Condi . . . She saidda me, we gonna rebuild Eye-raq as a deeemocracy!

- Pax A-me-ri-ca-na?

- Packs a what? . . . Ahm jest a poor cowboy . . . Yeehaar! . . . As I walked out in the streets of Laredo . . .

- Whaddi'm sayin' to you . . . we builda co-a-li-tion . . . . geddanuther UN mandate . . .

- Unidednations gonno backbone! We winna cold war - we calla shots . . . Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light . . . I push this an' B52s are go from Diego Garcia, an' we nukem . . . terrrrsts . . . Al-Qaeda . . . Eye-raq . . . Eye-ran . . . Ko-rea . . .

- Pre-emp . . . Strike first, an' save the world?! . . . A hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Anne Du Croz

No 3753 Set by John O'Byrne

John Bird gave some examples of political double-talk: "We're addressing the issue" (we can't solve the problem); "It's time to draw a line under it" (let's pretend it never happened); "We need a wide-ranging debate" (let's see what the Mail writes). More examples, please. As many goes as you like by 25 October (to appear in issue dated 4 November). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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