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Competition No 3749
Set by Brendan O'Byrne on 16 September
You were asked to send in curses.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Oh, you loves! I'm afraid the crunch came when I was confronted by "curses" such as "May you be condemned to an eternity of watching Big Brother" and "May lap dancers decline to sit upon you". Both I would sell my soul for, but then perhaps I have no taste. £10 for the singles, the rest get £15. The top dog, Nicholas Hodgson, also gets the vouchers.
May you receive the full confidence of your board of directors.
Nicholas Hodgson
May Martin Amis share your toothbrush.
Cynthia Hall
May your son's maths teacher have two Es in arts subjects at A-level and a media studies degree.
Anne Du Croz
May you win £1m on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and forfeit the prize because a member of the audience coughed.
A Another
May someone you love reformat your hard disc.
May your Dyson make your hamsters dizzy.
David Wedmore
May your Savile Row suit be shredded, your Picassos sold in a car boot sale and your cellar of vintage clarets donated to the local Labour Party jumble sale by a vengeful wife, who then elopes with your mistress.
Watson Weeks
May you live to see your children rejected by the University of Luton.
David Silverman
May you be found guilty of plagiarising Jeffrey Archer.
May you be unable to find anyone who will contradict your assertion that you'd be better off dead.
R Ewing
May you contract the sickness for which you are claiming sickness benefit.
Adrian Fry
May your wife always iron your cords on the outside.
May your doctor always be frank with you.
Sid Field
May your prize hostas, and those of your children and their children unto the fourth generation, be eaten by slugs.
David Barton
May your cosmetic surgeon have a great sense of humour.
May you forget to remove the Oxfam label before the reception.
Prue Sheldon
May George Bush decide to change your regime.
Ian Birchall
My th vwls n yr kybrd dsppr.
John O'Byrne
May your chatroom friends come round.
Will Bellenger
No 3752 Set by Keith Norman
Barry Norman never said "And why not?", Jim Callaghan never said "Crisis? What crisis?" - but everyone believes they did. Let's supply some well-known people with invented quotes that make them sound more like themselves than they really are. As many goes as you like by 18 October
(to appear in issue dated 28 October). E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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