Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3748

Set by Gavin Ross on 9 September

A Sheffield pub is to be converted into a church. We asked for some texts to display around the bar to acquaint people with this fact.

Report by Ms de Meaner

It is with great sadness that we remember Chas F Garvey, who died recently, aged 88. A comper on the NS for nearly 25 years, he went in for it in a big way when he retired. He was also a regular entrant to Another Weekly Magazine's competition. "He was an even-handed bloke," as his son remarked, "and as proud to receive an honorable mention as he was to win." In the early Nineties, he endeared himself in the "incongruous author and book" comp with the following: "Some Like It Hot by Sir Ranulph Fiennes." Some of his winners from the NS were read out at his funeral.

£10 to this week's singletons. £15 to the rest. The overall winner is Prue Sheldon, who also gets the vouchers.

Please don't ask for credit as a sermon often offends.

You don't have to belong to an organised religion to work here but it helps.

R Ewing

We regret that we are no longer licensed for the retail of beer, lager or cider for consumption on or off the premises. We now only serve the Holy Spirit. A limited selection of bread and wine will be available to our

regular customers. Live music every Sunday.

John Nye

Sin is bitter but God's mercy is mild.

In the Lord's house, the door is always ajar.

Prue Sheldon

Your host is ready!

We'll give you Last Orders.

We have only the finest aisle.

Where else will you find such generous trebles and great bass?

We offer 100% Proof.

Gotta Serve Somebody.

Heaven: It's Your Turn To Get One In.

Will Bellenger

Happy hour: 11 to 12 on Sundays.

Gerard Benson

There's no bar in God's Heaven.

Michael Cregan

l Free wine and wafers for every new customer.

John Irwin

From next week the wine is free.

Only here for the beer? Let the Lord fill your spirit!

Let the Lord refresh the parts beer cannot reach!

David Barton

From next month wine on these premises will be served in measures of a single sip only. Please leave some for others.

The food menu has been rationalised and we will serve small portions of bread. Do not ask for second helpings. A refusal often offends.

We have a new pricing policy: you will not be charged for your food and drink. You may contribute what you think it was worth.

Both before and after the meal there will be opportunities for community singing.

Keith Long

No 3751 Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

We want new words: so take a well-known prefix and add it to a well-known ism, et voila! Two examples: Counter-egotism: a compulsion to boast that your kitchen worktops are made of Italian marble. Eco-alcoholism: you puke into your compost heap.
As many goes as you like by 11 October (to appear in issue dated 21 October) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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