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Competition No 3743

Set by Adrian Fry on 5 August

Following the NS's "Best of Young British", we asked for nominations in "alternative" fields.

Report by Ms de Meaner

The comp complex has been saddened to hear of the death of Russell Lucas (aka Connie Yapp). Compers have described him as having a provocative sense of humour and being wildly entertaining company. He once gave advice on how to be a high-profile modern author: "You've got to take down your trousers and shit in public." He may have had other aliases, and once claimed that he had a secret one he wouldn't reveal. We shall miss him. This week's winners get £20. The overall champion is Will Bellenger, who also gets the vouchers.

Car boot dealer: Nicki Goodes

Nicki has been flogging stuff from the back of her dad's friend's lorry since she was three. She started out with her brother in 1984, but swapped him for some loose change within a month of trading. After successfully shifting the entire contents of her gran's house, including a big sideboard with a wonky leg, she moved on to the sheds and garages of her neighbours, clearing out the entire estate within five years, including the post office and the doctor's surgery. There are now no CDs or tapes in her area, or radios, including ghetto blasters, and local residents have grown to appreciate the tranquillity. With the PCs she has accumulated, she has recently floated her own e-company, Itsyourssowhat.com, and started up an innovative website, goodsreunited.co.uk, from which owners can buy back their kitsch at a competitive fee.

Will Bellenger

Txt messager: Alicia d'Arbanneville

Alicia d'Arbanneville attended Form Upper 5 Alpha at Dame Lucretia Lacrosse School near Elstree. She first discovered her literary talent while texting her boyfriend during Classical Civilisation. She then undertook to translate the complete works of Thomas Hardy into txt, simplifying the plots and introducing a feel-good factor. In her first work, Fr Frm the Mddng Crd, the plot hinges upon the following exchanges: "sgt try u r l8! where ru?" "ur in wrng frggng chch my lv." "oops! kp sngng hymns. b wv u in a mo." This, and her Tss of the Drbvls ("u gt my email? fone 2nite . . .") became instant successes. She is currently working on Rmeo & Jliet, including the immortal lines: "Bt sft, my lrd 'n lst! Hrst nt the wl cool rngng of thy fone?" "Wl wckd! 'Tis a txt frm Jliet . . ."

David Silverman

Litter-lout: Darren Kilroy

Though considerably less extrovert than his grandfather, whose boast "Kilroy Was Here" once graced a world of walls, Darren Kilroy is no less ambitious, determined to leave his mark in as many locations. Watchers of this thriving new cult report that diligent research has yet to unearth a single hidden valley, steep mountain track or peak as yet unbaptised. His at times breathtaking choice of location for the deposit of crumpled cigarette packets, lager cans, empty food containers (plastic and polystyrene) and, occasionally, the odd article of clothing, has plainly left many lesser "litterati" acquaintances of mine overcome by admiration, tinged with despair. They must surely raise their hats to this glittering figure, before leaving them strewn about the ground.

David Barton

No 3746 Set by John Crick

Can we have accounts of new inventions that will revolutionise life in the 21st century, eg, a homing device to bring twin socks together - although I can't help but feel that this would be jolly useful at any time.

Max 150 words by 6 September (to appear in issue dated 16 September) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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