Competition No 3741
Set by Stan Knafler on 22 July
We published an A-Z of diseases that could be cured by old and strange remedies. We asked for something similar for political problems.
Report by Ms de Meaner
Well done. Hon menshes to Ian Birchall ("mix the urine of a dead toad with your lager"), John Griffiths-Colby ("treat as for leprosy") and Basil Ransome-Davies (eat crow). £20 to the winners. The top dog is Will Bellenger, who also gets the vouchers.
Apathy (voter): to produce a Labour voter, beat with birch until a sense of injustice has been inculcated. To produce a Tory voter, beat with birch then wait until voter concludes that "it never did me any harm".
Commons phobia: victims must be tied to a chair and made to answer questions about dog mess, social security benefit legislation and alien conspiracy theories from regular attendees at political surgeries.
Devolution: take enough wind to fill the Welsh Assembly, put in bags and tie about the neck of the patient and watch both problem and patient drift away.
Republicanism: simply hang a gewgaw about the neck of the republican until his blood turns blue.
Joined-up government: apply civil servants to affected area.
Adrian Fry
£6m hole in party finances: rub eyes with salt and grease palms with old Pal.
Left-winger elected to NEC: put a brand new slug in a barrel.
Livingstone re-elected London mayor: tail of newt and eye of frog: spin them quickly.
Suspected of lying to the House: roast on own spit, with something fishy in mouth.
Lose control of 15 local councils: massage hump and let Snow fall on deaf ear.
Back-bench revolt causes bill to fail: apply whips to member and crush nuts.
Loss of spin-doctor: hang monkey out to dry and lie quietly, holding balls.
Heckled by WI: jam lips together, suck some old flannel, hand round tea.
Discovered to have two mistresses, after speech on morality: open can of worms and share thyme with family.
Voted "boring" in opinion poll: clutch at a tart, old fruit.
Assaulted by member of public during election rally: make a quick punch and mix it rapidly.
Will Bellenger
Deselection: roll in a bed of thistles until memory vanishes.
Foot-and-mouth crisis: retreat to uninhabited island for one month, subsisting on seaweed and dandelion seed.
Leadership challenge: administer head of garlic, crushed, to each of your opponents before any debate.
Paxman (interview by): steep a silk handkerchief in vodka and suck on alternate corners.
Sex scandal: enter parliament on all fours, naked, bearing two forked parsnips.
Today exposure: sip boiled gnats' juice after rinsing mouth with turpentine.
Union funding (loss of): cross Westminster Bridge twice, wearing a garland of shepherd's purse.
Whip (loss of): walk on the north side of Half-Moon Street wearing a tight girdle of nettles.
D A Prince
