Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3737

Set by John Crick on 24 June

We asked for fanciful explanations of some scientific theories or processes by politicians.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Fab. Hon menshes to D A Prince, Adrian Fry and Geoff Thurman. The three winners get £20 each. The supreme champion is Ian Birchall, who wins the vouchers on top.

For Conservatives, Brownian motion signifies the random, restless movement of individuals as their life paths intersect. Just as there is no ultimate pattern in the thermal movement of molecules, so there is no such thing as society. All is chance or opportunity, and the sole rationale in the whole process is the infallible "hidden hand" of market forces.

For new Labour, Brownian motion illustrates the vital energy of the modernising process, only requiring to be channelled or directed by a centralised control system, such as a quango or a PFI, as Brownian motion is governed by temperature changes.

From the Liberal Democrat viewpoint, Brownian motion is typical of the mess created by Tory and Labour governments; on the other hand, with the right approach, it may offer a platform for future progress.

Scottish Nationalists claim it's sheer English mystification; or if not Robert Brown had Scottish blood.

G M Davis

Gordon Brown In new Labour, we are particularly attracted to Fermat's last theorem, namely: there is no whole-number solution for Xn + Yn = Zn if n is greater than 2. When dogmatists from the Socialist Alliance demand redistributive taxation in proportion to the cube of earnings, I simply respond: "The sums don't add up." The fact that the proof, if ever there was one, disappeared over 300 years ago, makes the argument much simpler.

Charles Kennedy We Liberal Democrats are constantly inspired by Goldbach's hypothesis: that all even numbers are the sum of two primes. Putting together a couple of bits of irreducible oddness in the hope of getting something straightforward has always been our method of policy formation.

Neil Hamilton Old-school Tories stand by Einstein's general theory of relativity and the curvature of space-time. The idea that everything in the universe is bent is extremely consoling.

Ian Birchall

Tory spokesman Conservatives do not welcome quantum mechanics. The very concept of a quantum leap is contrary to the principles of law and order for which Conservatives have always stood. Particles leaping off wherever they wish to, without consideration for any rules, is clearly the first step on the road to anarchy. We will restore the traditional, old-fashioned values to "cause and effect" to put a stop to it.

New Labour spokesperson It is all due to 18 years of Tory neglect that this government inherited. But we will put it right, and not by an appeal to the outmoded cause-and-effect basis of discredited Newtonian physics, but by an emphasis on the macro world of relativity rather than the micro world of quantum, thus restoring faith in the regularity of nature.

Lib Dem speaker We're having a jumble sale . . .

Michael Cregan

No 3740 Set by Brendan J O'Byrne
We want the beginnings of letters to the editor of this magazine that will never get into print.
Max 70 words by 26 July
(to appear in issue dated 5 August)
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website