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Competition No 3735

Set by George Cowley on 10 June

"Women," wrote Lauren Booth, "are complicated." We asked for extracts from the autobiography of a complicated female.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I liked Gay Page's entry - but unfortunately, it's "Miss Marple" not "Mrs Marples", so although I could have edited out the "s" of the surname, I was stumped over the Mrs, as the piece hangs on her being accepted in the village as "a wealthy widow". I was also amazed at the number of you who don't know the difference between biography and autobiography. Tut tut. £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to the overall winner, Will Bellenger. PS: last week's odd layout prevented you from seeing that Ian Birchall had two winning entries. Sorry, Ian.

I am leading my Celtic warriors against the Roman Legions tomorrow and I don't have a thing to wear. Destroying Londinium seemed a good idea at the time, but maybe we should have just razed the villas and left the shops. Central Londinium prices were horrendous, but there's no denying you could pick up some beautiful togas if you pillaged around a bit. A nice red one would match the interior trim of my new chariot and wouldn't show the blood so much. As it is, I shall have to sally forth in these appalling animal furs and iron corsets. But what if we lose and I get paraded through the streets of Rome? Having all those chic Roman women seeing me in this outfit would be just too humiliating . . .

Peter Reeve

From earliest childhood, I dreamt of the cloister. Chastity, poverty and obedience summed up all I desired. My coarse big sister Cherie mocked me, chanting: "If you're a nun you get none." Life was more complicated. As an old priest explained to me: if I really desired the religious life, then there was no sacrifice. I must instead pursue the very things - fame, celebrity - that I rejected. Life became one long mortification. Every piece of caviar was like a mouthful of broken glass (especially the sort served at New Statesman receptions). I longed for the silence of the convent; it took all my resolution to gush and giggle. When I receive a cheque, I'm tempted to give it all to Oxfam. Instead, I drag myself to Heal's to buy the soft furnishings that will be my bed of nails.

Ian Birchall

If there's one thing I liked better than being chained to railings, it was the hot, feisty smell of a large London policeman with his arms around me, especially after a struggle. After that, there was the exciting prospect of prison, full of excellent iron bars, and the urgent sound of keys being turned slowly in old locks. Why should this excitement have been denied to the ordinary woman? Why were so many of the happily incarcerated individuals men? It was typical of this country that we had to struggle for the very right to struggle. Nor did men understand the heady pleasures of fasting. Twelve times in 1913, I was prevented from exercising this right. Sisters of the world, I cried, unite! You have nothing to lose but those wonderful chains! I was also interested in proportional representation.

Will Bellenger

No 3738 Set by Margaret Rogers
"Nobody can be specific about what sleaze precisely involves," wrote Richard Ingrams. Can we help him.

As many goes as you like by 12 July
(to appear in issue dated 22 July) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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