Competition No 3723

Set by Gavin Ross on 18 March

The death of Spike Milligan has brought to light the existence of the hitherto unknown Goon Preservation Society. We asked for excerpts from the minutes.

Report by Ms de Meaner

This - literally - sorted out the men from the boys. I liked the idea of Damien Hirst being a guest speaker to the GPS to advise on the "preservation" (Susan Therkelsen). I was also taken by the idea, from Bazza, that, as we go metric, the society should "aim for 100 minutes per hour". An additional hon mensh to J Seery for: "The chairman took the chair to yells of 'Bring back the chair'." £20 to the winners. The supreme champion is Keith Norman, who gets Tesco vouchers as well as £20.

The chair called disorder (no mean feat for a Chippendale) and read out apologies from members who couldn't attend, silences from members who could but wouldn't, and a heartfelt plea of "Ning!" from a loony who had but shouldn't.

Then came "Any other business?". A voice from the floor (no mean feat for linoleum) declared one: manufacturing fluorescent black socks for shy extroverts.

Next came the contentious question of the Milligan Memorial, the society being divided between those who favoured building a 7,000,000ft spike on Kilburn High Road and those who wanted to rent the one already there. The treasurer said that the society, having only £1.2oz, could afford only to build it from the thin end. A show of knees was taken, with the result that there were more knees than members. Even taking into account the chair - four legs, no knees - this was a constitutional crisis. Half the knees were declared null and void, and a show of elbows was taken, but with similar results. Eventually, a show of noses decided that Milligan would be remembered anyway and the money could be better spent colouring in 1947, which was still black and white the last time anyone had looked.

Adrian Fry

Mrs Robinson announced that Mr Smith, a long-standing member - no one would give him a chair! - was now deaded. She proposed a 20-raspberry salute in his honour. All members agreed, except Mr Martin, who said the deceased had been a dirty rotten swine, and he was glad he had fallen in the water. Raspberries were ceremoniously blown before the room moved on - a nuisance, as all the people were left without a roof over their heads.

Mr Baker then proposed a petition to have Christmas come the day after Easter, so we wouldn't have to wait so long for our presents. Mrs Hornsby asked whether it was time to niddle naddle noo, and the chair told her no, but she could ying tong tiddle eye po if she wanted.

At this point, all present hit themselves on the head with a mallet, saying "Der, I felt no pain!", then burst into song - poor old Song, everyone keeps bursting into him - before going off to look for an underwater Zeppelin - or a bus, Jim lad! - home.

Michael Cregan

First minute Silence. No one there yet.

Second minute Arrivals. Exchanges of official greeting: "Nicky nacky noo."

Next few minutes Apologies. One member tried to apologise for his own absence, but was ruled out of order and apologised for his presence instead. The other member argued that, since no Goons were left standing, the Goon Preservation Society has been a total wash-out and ought to apologise. He was ruled a dirty rotten swine by the chair, but said he would not take lessons in manners from a piece of furniture. The first member apologised for his poor Bluebottle impressions, blaming official duties for distracting him. As a point of information, he added that Camilla was working on her Eccles.

Next few minutes Members renewed standing orders and laughed at a number of standing jokes. No other standing items came to mind, so members were asked to stand for the loyal toast. This was taken with Earl Grey and marmalade, as usual.

Last few minutes AOB. Members talked any old bollocks, as usual.

Peter Norman

At this point, the member known as Crun rose to his feet and declared, amid uproar, that since the society had succeeded in preserving none of the Goons, and since none now remained to be preserved, it could only be said to have finally and definitively failed. The committee member known as Eccles reminded members that the society had offered numerous preservation options, ranging from cryogenics and embalming to the more controversial cloning, but none had proved acceptable to the Goons themselves or their next of kin. At one time, Spike Milligan had seemed amenable to a proposal that he be frozen until the BBC agreed to commission a new series from him, but the project eventually foundered on his insistence that a hand-picked supporting cast and a studio audience of 250 dedicated admirers be frozen alongside him. A motion by Mr Bluebottle that the society be "deaded" was opposed by Mr Seagoon on the grounds that an organisation with "Go on" in its title was obliged to do just that. (Mr Seagoon later admitted that he'd been joking and was censured for infringing the society's ban on humour.)

Keith Norman

No 3726 Set by Gavin Ross

After forgetting to renew its domain name, the Poetry Society lost its website www.poetrysoc.com to a Hong Kong company, Ultimate Search, offering online gambling, products for poor skin and impotence, "amazing financial services" and corporate gifts. All e-mails to the society are now going east, and are not being replied to. Ultimate has now offered the name back for a fee. How would past poets have lamented this bad business?

Max 14 lines to be in by 19 April (to appear in our issue dated 29 April) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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