Society
There are people who just want to make us working mums feel guilty
Published 01 April 2002
When I meet friends, there is an almost audible chant throbbing beneath our optimistic tones. We say: "Oh, work's so great, buying a flat, going to Venice." But underlying our conversation, there's an unmistakable, subliminal chant: "Must keep going, don't slow down, mortgage, motherhood, must keep going." We laugh, make jokes and compare beauty tips, but if an emotional switch is even accidentally flicked, the tears start to flow.
Richard and Judy, on their Channel 4 show, recently hosted a chat between four mums. Two of us had chosen to stay at home and two had returned to work when our babies were less than a year old. The jaunty businesswoman on my "team" described her gruelling 18-hour days with some pride. Up at 6.30am, kiss the kids, dash off to the City and work for 12 hours straight. This successful lifestyle left approximately one hour a day to be shared between her four children. Fifteen minutes each.
The stay-at-home mums looked aghast, shocked and furious. One "team" member, the writer Lynette Burrows, hissed: "You can't possibly know your children if you spend that little time with them."
"Busy mum" was so flabbergasted that she could barely speak. She was in the midst of a hugely important and stressful business "push" and was expecting to be at the office until 1am. No one spoke to her that way. How dare any one question her judgement or be so rude?
The righteous fury continued. Both she and I were lambasted for handing our children over to strangers who could not possibly supply the emotional "stability" of a mother. No doubt we would wake up one morning faced with kids we barely knew who were damaged and resentful and incapable of "bonding" with society.
Right. So what is the alternative? Without two incomes, most families in big cities would sink to poverty levels. That can't be good for a child, can it? Rather spitefully, the younger stay-at-home mum sniped: "Well, I gave up my membership to Soho House. It was hard at first, but I manage now."
Meow. Am I really neglecting my daughter purely to subsidise my social life? I thought I was exchanging some lovely moments now for the chance of a better future. Yet even Judy Finnegan, a mum of three, busy on television for over a decade, seemed unable to argue with the emotionally devastating logic that young babies need mummies.
Back in the green room, there was a bit of a "scene". "City mum" was storming around: "Who the bloody hell . . . what the bloody hell. I've never been so . . . " I watched quietly from across the room. Her cheeks were flushed with anger. Beneath her anger, I saw a deep longing to know that her kids were OK. To me, she looked like a woman who wanted to fling her briefcase aside, jump in a cab home and hug her kids. Guilt, thy name is working mother.
The next morning, despite a deadline, I resisted thrusting Alexandra into the childminder's arms and going off immediately. I stayed for a cuppa instead. I'd been inside the flat only once before. We watched the two little girls play happily with a mass of toys on the carpet.
After a little while, our adult chit-chat ran out and Dawn looked me straight in the eyes and said: "What's the matter?" Unexpectedly, my throat became hot and tight, I looked at the floor, at my hands. Then it all came flooding out: "Am I a bad mum if I work and I have a baby who should be with me at home and this woman said that she'll be unable to bond and . . . and . . . and . . . "
Dawn sighed: "Oh, these people," she said, "these people want to make us feel bad all the time. I was a working mum, too, and the only thing wrong with my daughter is . . . " I waited, holding my breath. "Sometimes, I think she likes being with me too much. She should spend more time with other people."
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