Competition No 3721

Set by John Crick on 4 March

Kathy Lette suggested that there should be a Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Writers. We asked for others.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hon menshes for the Prevention of Cruelty to Masturbators (Basil Ransome-Davies), Prevention of Cruelty to Manifestos (John Griffiths-Colby), Prevention of Shed Abuse (Barbara Daniels), Prevention of British Films (Adrian Fry), Prevention of Injustice to Fat Cats (Ian Birchall) and Prevention of Cruelty to Anoraks (Alanna Blake). £20 to the winners. The overall winner is R Ewing, who also gets the vouchers.

Mixed metaphors are the hallmark of the uneducated, and our aim at the Royal Society for the Prevention of the Mixed Metaphor is to expose this vice, to take arms against a sea of troubles, to cleanse the language of badly kindled seeds. These solecisms are tarred with the same brush; they prevent knowledge jumping forward. People who use them are impaled in the quicksands of inertia. If we smell a metaphorical rat, we shall launch into a bold strain and nip it in the bud. Linguistic purity, if not watered by the milk of exactitude, will burst into flames. It would be the actions of the rough diamond to allow these sacred cows to come home to roost. We want the grass roots to see the light of day, or else these whited sepulchres will come home with a vengeance. But we're not out of the woods yet by a long chalk. Our mounting ambition will not be bridled by a wave of opposition. We are prepared to hold up an olive branch, but if nothing concrete comes out of it, it will be the thin edge of the white elephant.

John O'Byrne

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to John Prescott would like us aims to be made known as what follows. First off, as we've made clear many times, everything should be seen in the fullness of a sustainable process going forward. Over the next four years, we intend to maintain all the necessary frameworks beyond predetermined targets, of that which we think everyone agrees. Secondmost, we'll have no truck or truffle with any of that press prattle. This is the main ball of the organisation and let there be no doubt about this, apart from the usual spending plans and what have you. Every dock and tittle will be crossed to reach our bridges. The next item on the agenda is dealing with the problems as and happen when they arise, and we don't care who knows it. We've nothing to hide here, unlike others we could mention. Finally, and in conclusion, if we could just take a moment to sum up. It's as clear as Humber that these points should be rolled out in a ten-year programme of total achievement, and we will continue to do so for the sake of Mr Prescott's good honour.

R Ewing

Royal Society for the Prevention of Global Terrorism

Mission impossible statement: to cleanse the earth of honest-to-goodness badness. This mission statement will self-destruct in five decades. Close-facing objectival indicators:

. To identify hostility-intentioned agencies and their co-adjutors with integral operational capability of antisocial aggressivity and motivational dysfunction of a cultural aspect.

. To enforce the democratic protocolisation of non-harmonic governmental oppositions in a feel-good situation.

. To disrupt the communicational highway maintenance of suspected alleged or hunched terror-denominational networks.

. To co-ordinate lateral kill functions in accordance with protective defence initiatives.

Ongoing action maintenance:

The RSPGT has sustained and implemented deliverability in the eastern and western hemisphere by strategic sub-targetisation. Specifically, it has neutralised and detoxed the command infrastructure of certain overseas type A insurgency factions with maximum counterfuge. The sandtray potential of posited GTs has been rendered neighbourhood-friendly by the tactical deployment of thrust systems with 102 per cent accuracy. Reverse pocketing of pro-terrorisation cells has been achievable within a digital clock framework acceptable to pro-neutral observers. Quality check units have discriminated between foe-foes and friend-foes, and the former have been elided with precisional accuracy. God Save Her Majesty.

Will Bellenger

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Unfairness to Weekend Compers represents an organised response to the manifest partiality of the setters/judges, whose whimsical and arbitrary decisions cause untold stress and suffering. As an initial step, the Society proposes a five-point programme of reform:

. Bill Greenwell (or any anagram thereof) to be restricted to 26 successful NS entries per year, only ten of which may be supplemented by Tesco vouchers.

. An end to the unpaid, space-filling "hon menshes", who will in future be paid (minimum £5, no book tokens).

. Ms de Meaner's reports to be factual and polite.

. Parity of prizes - NS to match Spectator values - an annual cost-of-living increase and prompt despatch of cheques.

G M Davis

No 3724 Set by John O'Byrne

Rachel Cooke, in her NS review of Sabine Durrant's "chick lit" novel, suggested a new genre - "twi lit", aimed at the HRT generation. Could we have an extract from Hot Flush.

Max 200 words to be in by 5 April (to appear in our issue dated 15 April)E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website