Competition No 3720

Set by Bazza on 25 February

You were asked for a parody extract from a work of micro-history. We suggested the paper clip or tea towel, but left it up to you.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Welcome to two new compers this week, who did rather well: Sasthi Brata and Alan Lothian Esq, who both picked the tea towel. Honourable mentions to D A Prince (the stitched-in label), Will Bellenger (tweezers), Michael Cregan (the pencil), David Silverman (the paper clip) and G M Davis (the toothpick), from whom I will quote: "Knowing as we do that meaning always escapes the locus of intent, we can reappraise toothpicks as hybrid systems of humdrum utility and semiotic G-forces." I could read stuff like this all day! I also enjoyed Bruce Alter's story of the chance discovery of monosodium glutamate, but felt that it was an entry to another comp entirely - which I may, indeed, set some time. I'll keep this one on the books, Bruce. £20 to the winners. The overall winner is Derek Morgan, who also gets the vouchers.

In the late 20th century, the paper clip was a widely forecast casualty of the "paperless office". The technological advances of the new millennium, however, generated more bureaucracy and paper than ever and provided a reprieve. Indeed, the clip (called un trombone by the French in typically unimaginative Gallic nomenclature) acquired new iconic status with the advent of e-mail attachments.

And in a world where the business person's diary was increasingly filled with meetings, conferences and seminars, the clip proved an indispensable aid to concentration, since its deconstruction provided a sharp point which could be used to keep oneself awake.

Indecisive politicians wishing to avoid the long-term commitment entailed by the staple (qv) found the pc (not to be confused with PC) a useful alternative. Moreover, increasing demand from the electorate for "joined-up government" boosted sales and the eponymous clip played a pivotal role in the "symmetrical resignations" in the Ministry of Transport affair of February 2002, which eventually led to the downfall of new Labour.

Earlier in the 1970s, it adorned various parts of the anatomy of young people known as "punks". Its use on the auditory organ is believed to be the origin of the phrase "a clip around the ear".

Derek Morgan

From pre-dynastic China to Toy Story 2, the history of the slinky has been the history of civilisation itself. Recent archaeological digs along the Huang He valley have unearthed examples of 4,000-year-old slinky-like springs, each painstakingly crafted from bamboo and delicately engraved with fire-breathing dragons and a fat flightless bird with tiny wings and what looks like three separate beaks. These first slinkies, which were probably used as tools in the development of some sort of earliest-known system of terraced agriculture, might well have been the mechanism that set the coil of mankind's progress turning inexorably forward, perhaps.

In Slinky: a history of man, I set out to demonstrate that the slinky has been integral to the development of all the world's major civilisations. This latest edition includes a special chapter by Graham Hancock, in which he proves that the yellow-gilled aquamen of Atlantis cut down all the trees on Easter Island to fashion giant slinkies, which they then used to transport their massive-headed statues from hillside quarries to the coastline. George Monbiot also examines the potential impact that US steel tariffs will have on the future of third-world slinky production.

R Ewing

With its name often incorrectly attributed to the German for "room", the Zimmerframe has found its way into 21st-century idiom, indeed from Germany, but from the Kaiser's trenches of the Great War. The name is a contraction of Zeppelin immer ("Zeppelin always"), a colloquialism given to millions of aluminium parts delivered (incorrectly) instead of essential equipment to front-line troops.

Through Teutonic ingenuity, the infantry adapted the parts into stretchers, improvised latrine shelters and supports for dugouts.

In postwar Germany, the concept was taken up by the Baukrankenhaus designer Laurenz Neumeuben-Bauen, who viewed the application of lightweight television propaganda against a backdrop of galloping ego-inflation as the meeting of "Gegenubers". His outline design for combining utility and futility remains unchanged.

Transatlantic comedy of the same era took many influences from European migrants - Zeppo Marx's stage name alluded to the small grey deposits left by the passing of a Zimmerframe user. "Groucho" was also thought to be a generic reference to typical owners.

So from the trenches to being firmly entrenched in 21st-century associative thinking of all that is old age, the Zimmerframe transcends all ethical, sexual and socio-economic divides, allowing it a ubiquity equalled only by the baseball cap.

John Griffiths-Colby

No 3723 Set by Gavin Ross

The recent death of Spike Milligan has brought to light the existence of the hitherto unknown Goon Preservation Society. Could we have excerpts from the minutes of a highly charged and emotional meeting of this worthy organisation.

Max 200 words to be in by 28 March (to appear in our issue dated 8 April)E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website