Competition No 3716

Set by Margaret Rogers on 28 January

Kipling's "If" defined what it was to "be a Man". We asked for Kiplingesque verse on what it means to be a celebrity footballer or any other contemporary figure.

Report by Ms de Meaner

One of those postbags I look forward to (ie, massive) but also dread, as it's all SO DIFFICULT. I liked the actual writing by Chas F Garvey, but felt he rather misunderstood the spirit of the age (and the comp). He wrote a paean of praise to a footballer - one who doesn't slag off the ref when his ball is judged offside, who doesn't mouth F-words when he sees the cameras are on him, who shouts "well saved" at the other side's goalkeeper when he saves a difficult ball, who won't mouth moronic cliches when interviewed and doesn't feel hard done by sitting on the subs' bench. You'll be wanting to know the punchline. "And - which is sad - be thought a berk, my son." Others who caught my eye and can have hon menshes are: W J Webster (a footballer), Sid Field (a footballer), Alanna Blake (a pop star), Cynthia Hall (a film star), Andrew Wilcox (a hack), Paul Francis (Chris Woodhead) and Ian Birchall (Stephen Byers). £20 to the winners; the vouchers go to G M Davis.

If you can keep your crown about you when all around you

Are cheerfully predicting your demise,

If you can smile when tawdry flags surround you,

And rhyming hacks your merits eulogise;

If you are thrilled by sounds of corgis yapping,

And feel most easy mounted on a horse,

Or take delight in sycophantic clapping,

But find your consort's humour rather coarse;

If you can rattle round in outsize houses,

Or prove you're pretty handy with a gun,

If you regard your sons as big girls' blouses,

And decimate our feathered friends for fun;

And if you have no thoughts of ever quitting

(Can royal duties still have power to charm?)

The throne on which, immovable, you're sitting,

It's because you're Good Queen Bess the Second - Ma'am.

Watson Weeks

If you can kick a head when all around you

Are kicking in the heads of Germans too,

If you can smash a face while mates surround you,

Their bravery inspired by piss-weak brew;

If you can join them in the mindless baiting

Of foreigners you feel you must despise,

If you can hate, and through your pointless hating

Be party to events where someone dies;

If you can run with crowds devoid of virtue,

Your actions making decent people sick,

If you are Eng-er-land and none can hurt you

Because you're white and drunk and have a brick;

If you can fill the time that you inherit

With violent pursuits while acting dumb,

Yours is the dearth of everything of merit,

And - which is more - you'll be a "fan", you scum.

R Ewing

If you can take your bed with all its covers

And show it in a gallery in town,

With underwear and condoms from old lovers

And don't get rumpled when your work's run down;

If you can get a sheep that's dead for keeping

Inside a case with strong formaldehyde,

And don't get pickled when the case starts seeping

And people say it's rotten stuff inside;

If you can take an empty room and light it

With auto-switches turning on and off,

And don't turn dark when experts sometimes cite it

As being crap, or news reporters scoff;

If you can have ideas that are presented

With others' help, and then claim all the fame,

And can't imagine why you are resented

When winning prizes, concept art's your game.

Katie Mallett

If you can smooth your way like liquid butter,

When honest toilers vainly strive to rise,

If you can lie with every word you utter,

Then damn the opposition for their lies;

If you can play it bland but act despotic,

The iron fist inside the velvet glove,

Or wave the flag to show you're patriotic

When Washington gives orders from above;

If you can spin the kind of headline stories

That make you as important as you think,

If you can daily execrate the Tories,

But steal their clothes while they are in the drink;

If you can herd and bully your supporters

Like bleating sheep imprisoned in their pen,

Yours is the bread that's cast upon the waters,

And, which is more, you'll live at Number Ten.

G M Davis

No 3719 Set by Peter Reeve

The Home Secretary proposes a citizenship test. Could we have some sample questions designed to root out us and them.

Max 200 words by 28 February (to appear in issue dated 11 March) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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