Competition No 3714

Set by Margaret Rogers on 14 Jan

You were asked for thank-you letters for Christmas presents from famous people, letting the sender know that their "recycling" had been spotted.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I have had two anguished letters, one of which I am as distressed about as the writer, Sue Wilson. She has written, on behalf of "the Wilson household", to inquire whether the Hamish Hamilton who came equal 19th in the 2001 winners box is, in fact, a misprint for Hamish Wilson. She suspects she is in for a "terrible weekend of gnashing teeth". Clearly this teeth situation is preventing Hamish himself from complaining. Many, many apologies. You got us bang to rights.

The second letter is from Ian Birchall, who has taken issue with my report for comp 3711, where I castigated those who confused Beretta with biretta. "You state on the Beretta/biretta question,'I mean what I say, sir'," writes Ian. "However, the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary gives 'beretta' as a legitimate alternative for 'biretta'." Indeed, it does. However, it doesn't give Beretta as an alternative for biretta. Do you get my point?

Hon menshes to G M Davis, Will Bellenger and David Barton. £20 to the winners. The vouchers go to Keith Mason.

Dear Moses,

Thank you for the lovely walking staff you gave me for Chanukah. The craftsmanship is impeccable. In fact, almost perfect. As such, I am wondering where you purchased it, since there's a technical problem I'd like to discuss with the manufacturer.

As you know, I'm an amateur herpetologist and keep a collection of caged snakes in my tent. I brought your wonderful gift inside and showed it to my wife, Rachav, then leaned it against a cage. Well, it transformed into a snake and ate my favourite adder. Appalled, I pulled it from the cage, whereupon it became a staff. My knowledge of staffs indicates something is amiss.

Rachav saw your wife in the hairdresser tent a few months ago, and she recalls Tsipora mentioning you received a similar staff from the Lord God. Is this the same staff? Not that I'm complaining, given the Divine Source, but every time it falls over, the tent floor gets flooded. Also, there's manna over everything, which is awfully difficult to wash out.

Again, your thoughtfulness is appreciated, but if you could provide a technical support address for the manufacturer, I'd appreciate it greatly. Best regards, Joshua.

Bruce W Alter

My Dearest Bosie,

Do you not think the cigarette case is the dance card de nos jours? When I look at your charming gift, I feel it must be, since it acquires a passionate history from the warmth of many hands and the imprint of countless fingers. That you should have had it inscribed to yourself only makes me applaud the magnitude of your egotism; to be loved by someone who loves himself so much gives me a value I could never achieve by mere literary genius. Frank Harris was here today, and suggested I might be the second recipient of your useful trinket, which, as you can imagine, I showed him with pride. These bare-knuckle ruffians always have such shadowy and probing minds; it is the mark of the artist manque. Let me assure you, Bosie, that even if I shared his dishonourable suspicions, I should never reproach you, for mine is the love that dare not name its pique. Ever yours, Oscar.

Basil Ransome-Davies

Dear Mr President Sir,

Cherie and I would like to thank you in a very real sense for the delightful Christmas gifts. We loved The Simpsons' Bumper Book of Crosswords and were particularly grateful that you took the trouble to begin some of the puzzles. Incidentally, the clue "Smarmy lickspittle" clearly asks for "6,8" and is therefore unlikely to be "Toni Blare"; Euan sugges-ted "Waylon Smithers" (a character from the show, apparently), which seems to fit if one spells "Nukliar Plant" correctly. Your crayoning in of Montgomery Burns's picture was a nice touch, and I agree with your note in the margin - he reminds me of the man from Enron, too! We weren't sure if the slightly deformed pretzel was a present or had fallen into the box by mistake, but my deputy Mr Prescott said it was very tasty; this is quite something, as he doesn't normally like foreign food! We hope we can come and see you soon - Cherie's had a Pocahontas costume specially made, and I got a cowboy outfit for Christmas! Your buddy, Tony.

R Ewing

Dear Damien,

What a fantastic prezzie - it looks great on the gallery wall. It was meant as an artwork, wasn't it (I never can tell with you guys! - joke!!!)? I particularly like the July 2000 sell-by date on the packaging and the patina on the individual little brown balls. You are saying, I guess, that the new millennium is already palling if not appalling, and that it lacks (or we lack?) the balls of previous centuries.

What amazes me is that you turned my little postmodernist gesture of two years ago (the archetypal or Uber-naff present, as an ironic comment on the nature of present-giving itself) into a post-postmodernist fine art work (an iconoclastic refutation of irony in art - or humour in personal relationships, if it comes to that). Wow! Well, let's hope the critics see it that way, and not as a box of mouldy old Ferrero Rocher, eh? Yours ever, Charles.

Keith Mason

No 3717 Set by John Crick

Fascism, surrealism, capitalism, socialism all sound a little old hat in the 21st century. Could we have some new, exciting "isms" (with descriptions).

Max 200 words by 14 February (to appear in issue dated 25 February) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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