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Competition No 3705

You were asked for new bank holidays.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I enjoyed this comp. David Silverman's Advert Monday and Giftmas Eve were worthy of a mensh; so was Sid Field's National Dog Dirt Day. £20 to the winners and the vouchers go to Peter Reeve.

I propose with my new day to dispel the empty torpor of 1 January with Peaks To the Front Day, upon which everyone wearing a cap with the peak facing to the rear will be fined 50p and given an immunity sticker. Naturally, there will be some who refuse to stump up, but surely the majority of offenders, who obviously have the option of spending the day indoors, should they find this apparently strange way of wearing headgear quite beyond their capacity, will accept the penalty with good grace. No doubt, most public servants - police officers, school crossing patrols, traffic wardens, librarians and many others - would volunteer to turn out to collect the fines for a good cause, in this case, the British Alopecia Society, whose officers I have already consulted. These dedicated officials are of the opinion that with a well-publicised launch - newspapers, TV and, with some arm twisting, a bit of supportive scriptwriting in the soaps - the proceeds of such a day could provide enough annual income to alleviate, with the issue of decent wigs, an affliction - probably caused by global warming - that has recently rendered most of our young men prematurely hairless.

David Barton

British Understatement Day: A movable snack, held on the first last quarter of the moon after the second Tuesday in October in alternate years, it marks the beginning of National Compromise Week, which lasts three days. It is a day on which not very much will be celebrated, though never to excess. Homes will be decorated with grey paper streamers. A bonsai Norwegian fir, secreted in a remote corner, will be hung with gingerbread babies. There will be a romantic element, with couples shaking hands under the mistletoe. Families will travel halfway to the nearest tourist destination and then return home, reporting that "traffic wasn't all that good". A half-telethon will be broadcast on BBC2, with the intention of raising hundreds of pounds for quite good causes. At night, people will gather around a smouldering twig to eat English fudge and drink shandy while infamous criminals from the past are admonished in effigy. It is hoped that this new holiday will prove moderately popular.

Peter Reeve

John Stonehouse Day: so we can all disappear off to the beach.

Beelzebub Day: just for the hell of it.

Michael Cregan Day: no special reason. It's just that I'm an egomaniac.

Will Bellenger Day: well, he's got everything else, so why not a day?

Bastille Day: that would get the French scratching their heads.

Posh'n'Becks Day: might as well accept the inevitable.

Agatha Christie Day: so we can all sit around trying to work out just why this should be a bank holiday . . .

Michael Cregan

National Weather Day (16 October): On this day, the British would celebrate their national sport - discussing the vagaries of the weather. The event would be marked by the eating of Fish Pie, commemorating the date in 1987 on which the country's most notorious weather forecaster suggested there would be no hurricane, but on which storms battered the country because of a great depression. This would cheer up everyone in the country.

Back to School Day (3 September): On this day, the British would celebrate their unique contribution to world education, at a time when so many youngsters are in the process of finding their feet at the start of a new academic year. Teachers, governors, inspectors and caretakers would be celebrated by pupils and students across the land. This would cheer up everyone in the country. Schools would close to assist with the festivities.

National Work Day (6 April): On this day, the British would celebrate the simple and exquisite pleasure which is the start of the tax year, knowing that they were all equally unable, for at least a few hours, even in extreme cases, to earn enough money to be eligible for tax. The Exchequer Flag would be raised. Everyone would stay at home.

Will Bellenger

7 January: PFSSD Day (recuperation from post-festive season stress disorder).

14 February: all day in bed with a special friend.

29 February: limits deleterious effects on national productivity.

15 April: no particular reason - just chillin'.

1 June: first day of summer.

2 June: Cliff Richard: "We're All Going on a Summer Holiday".

3 June: end of British summer.

15 July: Europhiles' Day (Napoleon's birthday).

6 September: Saint Sven's Day (World Cup Final qualification).

10 November: Leaves on the Line Day (will reduce the effects of inevitable autumn rail cancellations).

28 December: Bubble and Squeak Day (boosting production of British sprouts).

Derek Morgan

No 3708 Set by John Crick

How would we respond to Wordsworth's poem if we had proof that he knew "daffodils" was contemporary slang for "guineas"? Find similar new keys to unlock well-known and much-loved poems from the constraints of hackneyed interpretation.

Max 200 words by 29 November (to appear in issue dated 10 December) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk