Competition No 3704

Set by Margaret Rogers, 22 October

This year, Britain again won an IgNobel prize (which recognises unlikely research and discovery). The prize for literature went to John Richards, founder of the Apostrophe Protection Society. Last year, the Royal Navy won the peace prize for saving ammunition by making sailors shout "Bang" on training exercises. We asked for more IgNobel prizes.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Robin Oakley-Hill wrote in to point out that I hadn't said whether the prizes should be awarded for imaginary or real activities. True. However, I feel that the question answered itself - on the grounds that only if there was some basis in reality were the entries the slightest bit amusing: whether you ironically awarded the peace prize to the US for "a half-century's not using the H-bomb in anger" (Oakley-Hill) or the physics prize for "a research programme to establish whether there is a deep underlying pattern to the numbering of seats on Virgin trains, or whether this is an example of the purely random" (Ian Birchall). Try as I might, I could find nothing remotely funny, for example, about Dr B Lowtherbelt's medicine prize for "the development of NOTADAD, a cheap, over-the-counter home test kit" for disproving paternity, which uses hairs or nail clippings (I shall name no name). Hon menshes to Oakley-Hill and Birchall. The winners can have £20; the vouchers go to Keith Mason. Simply brilliant.

Medicine prize for the visual identification of certain bovidae species for scientific research purposes

Object: We propose to identify the clear visual distinguishing markers between Ovis aries (domesticated sheep) and Bos taurus (cattle) to allow research into bovine spongiform encephalopathy, scrapie and other purposes to proceed without further confusion. Key identifiers will be drawn from such elements as: size/mass; hue and pattern of markings; hair type (length, straightness, fleeciness ratio, etc); form and size of horns; and call pattern (pitch, length and whether they go "moo" or "baa").

A probability index will be developed allowing scientists to identify the species on a sliding scale where 1 is "definitely a sheep", 3 is "probably a sheep", 5 is "sheep/cow status unclear", and so on.

The system could be further developed to allow scientists to separate Ovis aries (the sheep) from Capra hircus (the goats).

Keith Mason

Literature prize

Awarded to Will Self, vocabulary builder, for the largest, most colourful and most dynamically obscure collection of words, phrases, neologisms and archaisms ever assembled, such as crulge, gubbertushed, and pastorauling.

Economics prize

Awarded to G Brown for his "Five Putative Theoretical Tests for Possible Entry into a New Single Currency".

Physics prize

Awarded to the vigilant research team who discovered Bush's Law. Principle which states that, at a constant tempo, the value of a given gaffe is inversely proportional to its "volumeness".

John O'Byrne

Literature prize for consonant conservation

The Society for the Preservation of the Letter R has, through legal and statutory means as well as the introduction of compulsory screening, free speech therapy and, where necessary, surgical treatment, successfully stemmed the steady erosion of and threat to this humble and beleaguered little phoneme. From being in danger of completely disappearing, especially in north and east London and Manchester, this familiar sound is beginning to be heard again up and down the country. The society's most successful achievements were perhaps the demise of Take That, the removal of alternative comedians, besuited or otherwise, from all Friday-night chat shows, film reviews and quizzes, and the successful dismissal of all Channel 5's sports summarisers. Never again will we be treated to reports beginning:"Well Gawy, wha' a weally fwilling Woy of the Wovers wun down the wight fwom Wonnie Wosenthal that was and Weal Madwid are weally weeling now at fwee one . . ." Flushed with success, the society is considering turning its attention to the preservation of the statement.

David Silverman

Literature prize

Awarded to the inventor of the txt msg.

Medicine prize

Awarded to the discoverer of how botulism can freeze face muscles, thus preventing wrinkles but creating weirdly expressionless people.

Economics prize

Shared among local councils that have introduced controlled parking zones. They have thus raised a small amount of money by charging residents for their own and their visitors' parking, and an even smaller amount from other parking, while, simultaneously, they have ruined the local economy by putting people off coming in to the area to shop.

Peace prize

Awarded to the inventor of the earplug.

M E Ault

No 3707 Set by Margaret Rogers

One person's treasures are another's bric-a-brac. Can we have an account of a famous person's (can be alive or dead, real or fictional) "treasures" as seen by another celebrity's jaundiced eye.

Max 200 words by 22 November (to appear in issue dated 3 December) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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