Competition No 3698

Set by John Crick on 10 September

You were asked for updated warnings a la Hilaire Belloc for the modern child.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Oh you fabulous, fabulous people. How I love you all. Barely anyone put a foot wrong. That made it all the more difficult for me - but you know how I like hard work. Ha! There were lots, as you can imagine, about the bad effects of computer games. However, I'm afraid that I went for the violent end rather than, for example, the stopping of pocket money that befell Penelope Lucinda James (an excellent attempt by Carolyn Beckingham, but sadly lacking in gore). £20 to the winners. The vouchers go to Paul Brummell.

The sad demise of little Don

Was brought about by Pokemon.

When this collecting craze was new

He started with a Pikachu.

Don, entranced by this strange fellow,

Happy-faced and coloured yellow,

Just knew that he could not relax

Until he had his own Snorlax.

Snorlax he caught, and Jigglypuff,

But these few cards were not enough.

Slowly earnt but meagre savings

Were consumed in monster cravings.

He swapped spare cards, his toys, his lunch,

In adding to his Pokebunch.

So Don's collection grew and grew:

He'd caught 'em all, except Mewtwo.

To fill this gap, one plan made sense:

Don tried to rob the newsagents.

Mad Don pulled out a fearsome knife

And cried: "Your Mewtwo, or your life!"

A kitchen knife is not a toy,

And the shopkeeper shot the boy.

Card trading can be hard to stop:

But don't make life your final swap.

Paul Brummell

The chief defect of Darren Day

Was driving motor cars away

And every time he saw a Merc

He'd twoc it quick - a little work

With pincers and his switchblade knife

And he'd be moving. That was life!

The biggest thrill that Dar could find

Was leaving fuzz cars far behind

And hearing sirens sound far off -

That really made our Darren laugh.

While drinking lager from a can

He'd do a ton - a real tough man;

Although he'd barely reached thirteen

His elders rated him as "Mean"

And fought to have a chance to ride

Up front at daring Darren's side.

As they were motoring one night -

All high - they piled and set alight

Five cars, three coaches and a van.

Dar clambered out; confused he ran

Along the fast lane into town.

Two ambulances mowed him down.

So if you'd rather stay alive,

Remember lads, don't drink and drive.

Alanna Blake

The chief defect of Darren Flynn

Was insufficient Ritalin.

He was a hyperactive child

Who nearly drove his teacher wild.

About to smack him on her knee

She heard a voice say: "ADD.

Don't blame the lad, don't break his will

Just dose him with this little pill.

"Millions of schoolkids traipse the land

A capsule in each sweaty hand;

It won't cost much, it won't take long,

A thousand doctors can't be wrong."

Ritalin's effect on the brain

Exceeds the power of cocaine.

Once Darren shoved it in his face

The school became a different place.

He didn't shout, he didn't squeak,

He even let the teacher speak;

He didn't wriggle, writhe or seethe,

Some days he hardly seemed to breathe.

Although he seemed a tad depressed,

His parents knew that this was best,

And when he talked of suicide

They didn't believe him. Till he died.

Paul Francis

When Kevin's Aunt for Christmas came,

She gave him a computer game.

A beam of joy lit up his face:

"Cor, thanks, it's wicked!" said he. "Ace!"

In next to no time he had gone

And whizzed his way through Level One;

He zoomed past Levels Two to Four,

His only thought: the Highest Score.

Eight hours a day he played the thing,

All through the winter, through the spring,

Till in July his parents went

And took a weekend break in Kent.

No sooner had they gone away

Than Kevin felt the urge to play.

His fingers now - this is no lie -

Were faster than the naked eye;

He'd reached ten billion and two,

When off his wrists his hands both flew!

How loudly did he scream and shout

As all his blood came gushing out!

But 'twas in vain that Kevin cried,

For shortly afterwards he died,

Thus proving that the warning's true:

Computer games are bad for you.

Alistair Gainey

No 3701 Set by Gavin Ross

The Guardian has apologised for a misprint referring to the Campaign Against the Arts Trade. Can we have some statements and aims and objectives of this worthy organisation.

To be in by 10 October (to appear in our issue dated 22 October) E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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