Competition - Win vouchers to spend at any Tesco store

Competition No 3691

Roy Hattersley has talked of supporting a movement to "rescue Labour for democratic socialism", to be called "Real Labour" (after "Real Beer"). We asked for suitably named pubs and their descriptions to act as venues for gatherings of "Real Labour" people.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I loved some of your pubs: The Proletarian Arms, The Old Block & Composite and The Red Flag. Hon menshes to Peter Lyon for The Prescott's Arms ("The regulars tend to be older, puzzled men"), G M Davis for The Clause Four ("A ponytail will mean a long wait for service"), J Seery for The Block Vote ("Crisps, plain only, with salt in little blue twist of paper, will be grudgingly supplied, with the customer being made aware that such an imposition on the landlord smacks of the cult of personality") and Simon Herbertson for the Staggers Inn ("None of that foreign muck here . . . so no tomato, then. My cheese(ish) sandwich with its restricted use of butter brought back to my mind an era when the trains ran on time . . . comparatively speaking"). Most of those who entered were hardline new Labour supporters. The winners get £20 each and the vouchers go to Ian Birchall.

Real Labour supporters are always welcome at Maxwell House. On one wall of the saloon bar hangs a huge framed portrait of the great publisher himself, surrounded by smaller pictures of figures from Labour's rich tradition: T Dan Smith, Andy Cunningham, John Stonehouse, Harold Lever and so on. On the opposite wall is a superb set of 12 military prints, showing "our boys" in action against strikers - from the dockers in 1945 to the firefighters in 1977.

Behind the bar stands a historic fridge, once used by Stafford Cripps and Denis Healey. The ice is much in demand, as the open fire burns with the white heat of the technological revolution. Jukebox favourites are "I Remember Hugh" by Frank Ifield, "It's My Party" by Neil Kinnock and "Dressed for Success" by Michael Foot.

Thursday is Quiz Night; regulars gather in the bar to face such testing questions as:

- Who initiated Britain's manufacture of nuclear weapons without informing the cabinet?

- Who remained silent for a fortnight after Enoch Powell's "rivers of blood" speech?

- Whose Social Contract produced "the most spectacular one-day leap in the stock market that most people can remember"?

Ian Birchall

The Ragged Trousered Philanthropist may not be an easy name to get your tongue around, but this traditional Real Labour pub is a must for the connoisseur of defunct ideology. Its opening hours are severely restricted by its trade union management, and frequent strikes ensure the pub is seldom open, even during these. George Brown's Bitter - a real ale traditional and honest enough to be disgusting without apology - is the only beverage available, and obtaining a pint entails monosyllabic negotiations with a fraternal cabal of surly bar staff for whom service is a synonym for slavery.

The decor is of 1970s brown, darkened further by the perpetual fug of nicotine clouding the bar. Even the utilitarian jukebox - which plays Ewan McColl even less often than requested - dare not contradict the mood. The regulars don't so much pass the time as endure it, competitively spitting contempt for "the bosses" or gruffly denouncing absent regulars as class traitors. Visitors to the pub are regarded with undisguised hostility, and time is often called early for those not serving on one of the pub's subcommittees, the drunken resolutions of which are displayed behind the bar for all to ignore.

Adrian Fry

The Old Grudge is a long-standing meeting place for disaffected paid-up party members in disagreement with Conference Motion 24 (Clause 2b), 1974 (Differential voting rights on non-mandatory constitutional subcommittees).

Beers: Old Whinger, Bitter, Freckled Foul.

Food: crisps (plain), past sell-by date.

Social activities: discussion of 1974 conference agenda, its subtext, interpretations, ramifications, repercussions, results and role in irreconcilable splits - past, present and future - and shaping of party identity with special reference to local councillors, ex-councillors (inc. deceased), committee secretaries, members of selection panels and their partners (most nights). Under-50s Social Night, including discussion, as above, on third Thursday each month.

Decor: brown.

Music: cracked and crazy sound system playing mainly old tapes of eg, Workers Playtime.

See also The Old Split, as above, except unifying cause is dispute with Conference Motion 19 (Amendment), 1978 (Selection procedure settlements on committee appointments), and under-50s meet second Wednesdays. Preliminary proposals to form darts team (provisional name, the Red Sparrows) to thrash The Old Grudge's team foundered on failure to agree constitution and gender base of committee.

D A Prince

No 3694 Set by Margaret Rogers

Various people have commented on how "you couldn't have made Jeffrey up". Surely our great writers could. Can we have portraits as drawn by Chaucer, Shakespeare, Dickens, Martin Amis . . . you choose someone of sufficient stature to do him justice.

Max 200 words, to be in by 30 August (to appear in issue dated 10 September).